MLB Daddy

Breakin it Down: The Courtesy Wave

2010-03-24T11:30:00.002-05:00

For years I have been a proponent of a simple, yet often neglected, driving ettiquette tool that can make navigating busy roads a pleasure for simple minded folks like myself. When driving, many forget that alittle courtesy can go a long ways. And the ultimate in driving courtesy...? Clearly, the courtesy wave.

The courtesy wave has become a bit of an obession of mine. It's something I strive for receiving and something that can upset me when I don't get the wave I think I deserve. Even MLBMommy is getting into this obession as today she mentioned that "I courtesy waved a school bus this morning and it was totally inappropriate and now I'm embarrassed." But don't fret MLBMommy, problems with courtesy waving can be solved, and bad habits can be fixed. The remedy? Practice.

The courtesy wave encompasses many types of waves, for many types of situations. But regardless of the situation, nothing says "Yeah Buddy" like a quick wave to the guy who you just cut off without so much as a blinker of notice. Let's face it, there are few ways to express courtesy when both you and the other driver are in a car, but with practice, dedication, and care, you too can perfect the trade of the courtesy wave.

Here are some MLBDaddy tips for the courtesy waving newbie...

1. When given the chance to do something nice on the roads, take full advantage.

2. When someone disrespects you while driving, turn the tables on them with a courtesy wave. That will make them really feel like crap.

3. Exercise caution. Examine how pissed off the driver of the vehicle is at a move you just pulled. Make sure that the wave will not send their rage over the top.

4. Be armed with a sufficient repertoire of waves. Different situations call for different waves. Examples: The one finger up, the two finger up, the full hand, the peace sign, the horizontal peace sign, the salute, and the ever tricky combination of the wave and head nod.

5. Make eye contact. If the other driver can see your rods and cones focused on them, most of the time they will feel obliged to give you the wave.

6. Don't be shy. Everyone can appreciate a wave, and it will make you feel good whether you are giving or receiving. There really is no "embarrassing" situation for a courtesy wave MLBMommy.

Hopefully some of these tips can help you in your day to day courtesy waving lives. Practice them and I promise you, they will not disappoint.

But now, let's get to the meat of this blog post. As I mentioned I am quite obsessed with the courtesy wave, especially receiving them from other drivers. This obsession has sparked an idea. I want to make, and keep, a list of all types of drivers of which I have received a courtesy wave from. A to-do checklist of sorts. I am going to keep readers of MLBDaddy in the loop on my progress by sharing the story of each and every wave I check off my list. If you have any ideas for additions I should make to this list, I love a challenge, and you can let me know in the comments section. Here is the start of my checklist...

A car
A truck
A van
A hummer
A city bus
A school bus
A coach bus
A police officer
A taxi
A semi driver
A propane truck
A UPS vehicle
A US Postal Worker
A hotel shuttle
A bicycler

I think that's it for now. Happy waving!

mmmmk Bye!

It's Been A Week...

2010-03-03T13:41:00.003-06:00

and I have been holding this story in. It's the story of my "vas" (the apparently adored term used by people who perform the act) or vasectomy. Last Wednesday I checked into my local medical clinic to have the anti-kid procedure performed. What is written below is my first hand account of the experience. WARNING: Certain words, descriptions, and thoughts shared below may be offensive to people who are not open to talking about their bodies, or hearing someone else talk about it, so if you are one of those people, I suggest you stop here and check back another time.

Now let's get down to business.

So I roll into the old clinic at 8:00 am, nervy, apprehensive, scurd, the whole 9 yards. It's not everyday your man parts are handled by a stranger or two, so I think my feelings are justified. So I'm sitting there in the waiting room for 10 minutes, give or take, when my name is called. Waiting with a clipboard and a smile is a nurse probably around the same age as me. She greets me with a nod and a "how are you?". I'm not really one to respond with anything but the truth so I said, "I'll tell you after this is over with." I figured that comment would get me a smile, a laugh, or at least some sort of smartass remark back from the nurse, but she completely stone-walled me, leading me to immediately assess her as a not so jolly person.

This is where things start to progress. Ms. 'Not So Jolly' leads me into a plain room with nothing but a dentist looking chair, a counter with various medical supplies, a sink, and a radio. It's funny how at certain times in my life I realize every detail of my surroundings, while at other times I wouldn't have a sniff if JLo were chilling in the chair next to me. Anyways...

I'm instructed to drop trou, take off my scivey's and wrap myself up in a standard patient medical gown. For some reason the nurse decides its important for her to leave the room while I change and excuses herself while I'm left to wonder what the freakin difference is? You are going to see my whole self anyways lady, aren't ya? When she returns I have positioned myself as instructed on the dentist chair, palms sweaty, heart beating alittle faster than normal. It's funny how at certain times in my life all I can do is imagine the worst. Actually that's not really funny but kinda sad because I do it alot. Anyways...

I'm convinced things are going to go terribly wrong. Then this, "I'm going to need to clean you, you will feel a cold swab. Once you are cleaned and properly positioned, I will get the doctor and we can begin." Um, when you start swabbing me lady, that's what I will consider the beginning.

So she swabs, and I go back into the zone of noticing EVERYTHING. And yes, The Bridge 95.7 is tuned in on the radio, and yes, that is the Cranberries "Linger" playing as my boys are cleaned by a nurse who I am convinced hates men and gets great pleasure out of torturing them, hence she has a job like this. Awkward is the word I would use.

Swabbing complete. Let's position! She takes four or five towels and lines my surgical area with what can best be described as a protective perimeter providing perfect presentation. And I'm pretty pumped!

"I'll go get the doctor." Ok bitch, whatever, let's get this over with.

I sat in the room for no less and 10 minutes. The anticipation of something bad is usually much worse than the actual event, right? Well the anticipation was killer. November Rain (Guns N' Roses), Never Gonna Be Alone (Nickelback), and Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow) all played in the background as the destruction of my manhood ran in the foreground of my mind.

The doctor rolls in. He is a good guy, I had met him a few weeks earlier when I came into the office for a preliminary informational session. BUT... he has a lazy eye. Ummm, even if there is nothing wrong with the guys eyes, when I can't tell where he is looking, do I really trust him to be slicing me open between the legs? Yes, yes I do. The guy is a Twins fan, how could I not trust him.

So we spent the next half hour talking about Denard Span playing centerfield, Pat Neshek coming back from injury, Jim Thome being a home run hitter, and Joe Mauer being the type of guy that any quality urologist would dream of operating on. The time flew by like church. And ZIP, one last stich and we are done.

With a flash of his lazy eye, the doc informs me that Ms. Not So Jolly will be able to instruct me on taking care of things after I go home. He smiles, cheers 'Go Twins' in my general direction, and is off. Thanks doc!

The nurse tries to leave the room to let me get dressed in pointless privacy, but this time I speed up the process and throw on my clothes before she has a chance to exit. Take that. She gives me some at home instructions and a few supplies, suggests a few things, wishes me well and sends me on my way. What? No back pat or butt slap? I gave her a hug and left in high spirits.

So thats the story of my vas. How many of you guys out there that have had one also had your mom pick you up afterward? Oh, just me? Thought so.

mmmmmk Bye!

Here is what I did.

2010-02-25T14:49:00.003-06:00

You don't have to tell me how nasty this is, of course I know that.

So the phone drops in, I'm panicked. My first reaction is to reach right in after it, but we are not talking about a urinal here people, we are talking about a toilet bowl, filled with nasty city water and my urine.

I stop my hand from crossing the point of no return and instead I shift my eyes around the bathroom. I ponder flushing the toilet, hoping that the phone will nestle in a spot where I can more easily scoop it out, but alas, the fear of the toilet pressure washing the phone down into the depths of the city sewer system is something I just can not bear. I see only one option, so I'm forced to try it. I grab the plunger in the corner of the room, and I plunge.

At first I have to fish around with the plunger to locate the phone as the water is dyed with a slightly dehydrated blend making visual navigation a challenge. Let me tell you people, I like a challenge, and a challenge is what I had. Once I was able to feel the phone and move it around in the bowl with the rubber end of the plunger I took my first stab at plunging. Failure. A second, third, fourth and fifth attempt. Same result. Co-workers attempted and also failed.

Moral of the story. Plungers do no work to get phones out of toilets and it costs $49.99 for a new LG Shine at your local AT&T store.

mmmmk Bye!

Lets Play: What would you do.

2010-02-23T15:33:00.002-06:00

Imagine this: You are a guy. You standing at the toilet peeing. You are checking your cell phone while you pee. You drop your phone into the toilet. Tell me what you do next and then someday I'll tell you what I did.

Mmmmk bye.

LOST

2010-02-19T15:02:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been watching Lost. Catching up on 5 seasons of sweetness. I don't like sci-fi crap like black smoke monsters, but the storyline in this show is so good that I have been able to overlook that sort of thing and still really enjoy. If you haven't already, watch the show. It's legit!

Mmmk bye!

Question

2009-12-16T09:10:00.000-06:00

A solid question was recently posted in MLBDaddy's comment section by Paul, it reads as thus...

"If you have biceps that have been enlarged by performance enhancing drugs and can’t find sleeves large enough are you allowed to then wear a vest?"

The answer: Wearing a vest is never a good idea under any circumstances. You are allowed to do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean you should.

Mmmk, bye!

Too Bad

2009-12-03T09:33:00.002-06:00

I don't normally wish for people's lives to fall apart, but this week I am having a hard time wiping the smile off my face.

Sweet vest Tiger.

MMMK bye!

Last 5 Answers

2009-11-23T20:02:00.004-06:00

6). What do you dread more, a trip to the dentist or a trip to the doctor?
For sure the dentist because they have old magazines in the waiting room, plus my teeth are rotting, plus I hate when they scrape your teeth, plus my hygienist always talks to me about her church, plus I always think they are looking up my nose, plus my hygienist always explains to me how to "deviate my jaw" when brushing to get those teeth way in the back, plus I don't like drills, plus the x-rays are weird, plus they take their sweet time and act like mine is not important.

7). Do you honestly think blondes are dumb?
I don't consider them all to be dumb but the ones I know that are smart can be counted on less than one hand.

8). At the start of the 30 day shred I weighed 176 lbs, how much do you think I will weigh when I am done with 30 days of shredding?
On day 11 today. I haven't lost or gained any weight. I'm going to guess I will weigh 178 because Thanksgiving is coming up.

9). What is the most likely scenario that will bring the end of human existence on the planet earth?
Swine Fever!

10). Was there a better song in 2009 than Beyonce's Single Ladies?
Um yes, but barely better. Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus gets my voice.

The Greatest Blog Post I've Ever Read and 5 Answers

2009-11-16T20:29:00.003-06:00

You can find my fav blog post ever here. I'll reread it a few times, let it sink in for a bit, and then add some commentary in the days to come.

Today I'll answer questions 1-5 of my previous post.

1). Would you commit perjury in court to save a friend or family member?

I wish I could say that I would do the right thing here, to uphold the law no matter what the circumstances, but I'm quite sure that under the right conditions I would attempt to lie my way through questioning to save someone I loved. I would mostly likely really suck at it and probably end up looking like a fool and then be locked away just like the family member, but hey, at least then we'd be in it together.

2). If your wife was a photographer, and she had a passion for it, greatly enjoyed taking pictures, and it was her most beloved hobby, yet you thought her pictures really sucked, would you tell her, or just keep your thoughts to yourself?

Holy cripe did I ever take the heat for this question. People let's be real for a moment, this question was PURELY hypothetical. I love the heck out of my wife's pictures. I like them so much that I can't believe I haven't been fired yet for spending half my day at work looking at the pics MLBMommy takes of the kids.

But let's break down the real question at hand here. Should you or should you not tell your spouse when they suck at something? My thought is this. I understand the whole, you need to be supportive blah blah blah crap, which yeah, I agree with that, its good to be supportive. But if you really do suck at something, wouldn't you rather hear about it from the person that knows you best? I guess I would. For example, the other week MLBMommy told me I'm really annoying when I clean the house because I get bossy and anal and such. So what did I do? I thought about it for a bit, and haven't cleaned a thing since. Did she hurt my feelings? No. I wasn't crushed. I used her criticisms and adjusted accordingly. Thanks girl!

3). In what room would you be most comfortable...

ROOM A - Filled with 10 puffy vest wearing soccer moms

ROOM B - Filled with 10 Project Runway watching soccer moms

ROOM C - Filled with 10 baseball hating soccer moms

This is a really tough one for me. First of all, being stuck anywhere with 10 moms, whether they are puffy vest wearers, Project Runway lovers, or baseball haters, would be a challenge in and of itself. I went with the process of elimination here. First I pictured myself sitting a room filled with puffy vests. I look left, a puffy vest. I look right, a puffy vest. I started breaking out in a cold sweat just imaging this. I'm pretty sure I would have a break down. So I crossed Room A off the list. Next, I imagined being in a room filled with 10 soccer moms discussing the latest episode of the most cousin robby show I have ever seen. Seriously here people, not a chance, not a way, not no how, nope, naw, none for me thanks I pass. That show is lamer than the Yankees, well maybe not quite, but close. So I crossed Room B off the list. Which left Room C, which is my selection. I think I could entertain myself in this room by attempting to turn the baseball hating soccer mom's into lovers of the game by filling their heads with tales of the sleek, stylish and smooth Joe Mauer and the cool, charismatic, and canadian Justin Morneau. And if that failed, I'd probably mix in a word or two about Nicky Punto to see where that got me.

4). Who is your all time favorite Minnesota Twin?

#34, The center fielder KIIIIIIIIIIIIRBY PUCKETT. I also like his nickname, Turkey Bucket.

5). What is the dumbest question you have ever been asked in an interivew?

This is no joke. I interviewed for this position at this place that builds airplanes once and the HR woman who did part of the interview asked me: "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be and why?" I thought that kind of stuff only happened in movies. My answer: A banana because I'm tall and skinny.

Questions 6-10 to be answered another day.

10 Questions to Ponder

2009-11-15T20:50:00.002-06:00

During this lovely post, I will throw out 10 random questions. During my next lovely post, I will answer those questions. The questions will be a combination of things I have always wondered and interesting things I found while browsing the www. Feel free to answer any or all of the questions for yourself in my comments section. Here goes...

1). Would you commit perjury in court to save a friend or family member?

3). In what room would you be most comfortable...

ROOM A - Filled with 10 puffy vest wearing soccer moms

ROOM B - Filled with 10 Project Runway watching soccer moms

ROOM C - Filled with 10 baseball hating soccer moms

4). Who is your all time favorite Minnesota Twin?

5). What is the dumbest question you have ever been asked in an interivew?

6). What do you dread more, a trip to the dentist or a trip to the doctor?

7). Do you honestly think blondes are dumb?

8). At the start of the 30 day shred I weighed 176 lbs, how much do you think I will weigh when I am done with 30 days of shredding?

9). What is the most likely scenario that will bring the end of human existence on the planet earth?

10). Was there a better song in 2009 than Beyonce's Single Ladies?

mmmmk, bye!

July 24 to present - News and Notes

2009-11-13T14:27:00.001-06:00

- "The Bobtoon" was the winner of the pontoon naming contest, thanks every for their submissions!

- MLBSisser was the winner of the baby naming contest (she's a sweetie)

- MLBDaddy remembered how the smell of little baby pooh can stick in your nose for hours

- MLB can hit line drives on about 20% of swings but doesn't adjust well to pitches that are not in his wheelhouse, I tried to get him hit like Joe Mauer (left handed) one day and he had a meltdown... sat down in the grass and rolled around like his world had just come to an end

- MLB enjoyed a few outings at the golf course this summer as well, he likes to take a full swing on the putting green and hasn't perfected 'pickin it clean' yet so if you golf with him anytime soon make sure to replace his divots

- MLBDoggie has moved from sleeping on the end of the bed to her own little pillow bed in the corner of the MLBParental master bedroom, a few early AM biting incidences did not bode well for her

- MLBDaddy posted for the first time on Facebook

- MLBDaddy tweeted for the first time

- MLBMommy perfected the art of emptying the dishwasher, while breastfeeding, while throwing BP to MLB, while most impressively keeping her sanity. (You are amazing MLBMommy!)

- MLBParentals began work on the 30 day shred

mmmmk bye!

Naming a Baby, Naw, Let's Name A Pontoon Boat

2009-07-24T15:26:00.001-05:00

So... MLBDaddy is going to be a daddy times 2 here in the next two months or so. A lot of thought has been going into the name for the second child. It's kinda a girl thing though, so most of the decision is going to be left up to MLBMommy.

Anyways, I figured why should I let MLBMommy have all the fun coming up with sweet names. So what I have decided to do is give the family pontoon boat, which makes its residence at the MLBFamily cabin property, a name that can live on forever in the history books.

Problem: I kinda have a few ideas for a name, but none of them are that great.

So here's the deal: I want to give my readers the chance to propose a name for the MLBFamily pontoon. Please submit your name idea in the comments section. I will gather all suggestions (hopefully there is at least one) and include them in the list I am currently contemplating. The list will then be presented at the next MLBFamily gathering and voted on for approval. If your name is chosen, you and a guest will be invited to the MLBFamily cabin for a christening of a new sign which will hang from the pontoon bearing the new name for the pontoon.

Here is a picture of the vessel for inspiration:

An Email to Enjoy

2009-07-10T08:38:00.003-05:00

If anyone has ever received a better 'work' email than the one I got this morning, please share it in the comments.

Check this out, and this is no goofing around, this is actually an email sent out to the female employee's of the company I work for. I was lucky enough to have it forwarded to me.

Ladies,

Recently, there was a bowl of Cheerios in the toilet on the side that leaks. This morning, someone did #2 and left it.

For goodness sakes, PLEASE flush the toilet!! On the side that leaks, you have to hold down the handle for a while. We’ve all had to before. Please be considerate and not make others clean up after you.

Thank you,

CLASSIC!

If I Were a 2 Year Old and Was Learning to Potty...

2009-07-09T20:58:00.004-05:00

I would be extremely inspired, no doubt in my mind, by the following two paragraphs...

Mommy and Daddy and Michael looked in the potty. They saw pee and poop. "Michael used his potty!" said Mommy. She hugged and kissed him.

Mommy helped Michael wipe himself. Daddy helped him pour the pee and poop into the big toilet. Michael flushed the toilet. The pee and poop went into pipes under the house. Then Michael washed his hands. "What a big boy you are!" said Daddy.

However, my son, little MLB, with all that is going on in the above two paragraphs, only cares about the little bear who lays quietly next to the Big Boy Potty staring up at the ceiling. All MLB can say is "Teddy fall DOOOOWN!" He doesn't care about the pee. The poop has no relevance. The pipes under the house that are carrying the poop away matter not. The hugs, kisses and praise from Mommy and Daddy are of no importance. But that little blue bear, appearing happy and content, gazing upward with a smile that oozes joy, makes MLB's night.

The moral of the story: No matter if you pee and poop in a toilet or in your pants, as long as you can find little things in life that bring you happiness, then its all good in the hood.

Mmmmk Bye!

July 7th

2009-07-07T15:15:00.003-05:00

I decided today that it's time for me to start blogging again. As I began thinking about what to write about I got really nervy and couldn't think of anything good. I wanted something powerful that would quickly draw all 3 of my former everyday readers back the site and give them something to enjoy. So I visited trusty google and entered the phrase "first blog post tips" and found a page that had 5 Simple Ways to Open a Blog Post with a Bang. Well, the way I look at it is I don't just want my opening to be a bang, I want my entire post to be a bang. In an attempt to use the advice that this page offers, I will instead incorporate all 5 tips into one banging post.
Here goes...

1) Ask A Question
MLBDaddy asks a question: Do people honestly thing that vests look good on them?

2) Share an Anecdote or Quote
MLBDaddy Shares an Anecdote: I was sitting at Ichiban last Friday and this turd sandwich who we were tabled up with kept asking really stupid questions of the chef who was clearly perturbed. My favorite question was... "Was this lobster raised in cold water or warm water?" To which I was hoping the waiter would say "would you like it if I used my Ichy knife to chop up the crap I am going to kick out of you?" It didn't happen, but it would have been cool if it did.

MLBDaddy Shares a Quote: "Tweeting is stupid."

3) Invoke the Mind's Eye
MLBDaddy Invokes the Mind's Eye: Picture this, you are sitting on the highest and last branch of a 250 foot tall tree and there is a raging fire burning upwards on the trunk of the tree towards you. Shall you choose to jump you will most certainly be killed by the impact of your body crushing against the ground. Shall you choose to remain in the tree, your body will be scorched and your flesh will melt and probably not smell very good.

4) Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
MLBDaddy uses an Analogy: Being a father is like being locked into a really joyous and happy cell block for the rest of your life.

MLBDaddy uses a Metaphor: For a two year old, MLB can throw some gas, but he doesn't really have a sniff where its going.

MLBDaddy uses a Simile: Derek Jeter chews like a cow.

5) Cite a Shocking Statistic
MLBDaddy cites a shocking statistic: 8% of voters who have casted a ballot on beejo.typepad.com think that Ivy is a good choice for the name of my second baby.

Mmmmk. Bye!

25 Interesting Things

2009-01-23T20:28:00.003-06:00

Haven't posted for awhile. Saw this on MLBAunty's site and liked it so I stole it.

You are supposed to write 25 interesting things that most people don't know about you. Not sure if these are interesting or not, but here are mine...

1. I was born in Bemidji, MN at like 3 am, on January 4th, in the year of our lord, 1980.

2. I watch The Bachelor, Survivor, The Amazing Race, Greys Anatomy, and The Biggest Loser and generally enjoy them all.

3. When I was about 7 years old I burned my finger after touching a car cigarette lighter because I was wondering why it was red.

4. My mom used to make book report covers for me because my artistic skills are less than below average.

5. One of my favorite moments of 2008 was when the wife and I won the family Pictionary game.

6. I used to think soccer was a sport.

7. I have faked being sick only once in my life that I can remember, and it wasn't to skip school, it was to skip church.

8. I pick my nose, but I don't eat it.

9. I am proud to be an American and even prouder that I do not live in Superior, WI.

10. In 1989, while suffering from a high fever, I had a hallucination/dream that Manuel Noriega was trying to hunt me down in the jungles of Panama. I was actually sitting in the living room puking into the family popcorn bowl.

11. I drove a '92 white Ford Taurus from 1999-2001. Squirmy's GP, I thank you for this fabulous opportunity.

12. I've mourned the the deaths of three people with actual tears; one grandma, one grandpa, and Kirby Puckett.

13. The last two hours before MLB was born is the most nervous I have ever been in my life.

14. In tenth grade I went to Mexico with my Spanish class, got really sick, threw up orange gatorade on a bus trip from Mexico City to Acapulco, peed blood, visited a tourist hospital in Acapulco, and got a shot of penicilin in the butt from an extremely attractive Mexican nurse who spoke zero English.

15. I've only had one professional massage in my life and I will never ever have another one.

16. I hate leaving voice messages for people. I also hate drive thrus. I also hate Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods.

17. I once thought I could make $500 a week by stuffing envelopes. I even ordered the $25 kit to find out how.

18. My favorite bands are Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Live, Stone Temple Pilots and The Offspring.

19. I once got thrown in a snow bank at the local ice skating rink by some churchies and I never really wanted to go back after that.

20. I got really pissed in 6th grade during the Presidential Physical fitness when I finished second in the mile run.

21. Doritos used to be the main staple of my diet, then they had to go and change their recipe and I don't really care for them anymore.

22. The most famous person I have ever shaken hands with is Mark McGuire.

23. I have always wanted to go white water rafting, but have never done it.

24. My favorite episode of South Park stars Al Gore and Man Bear Pig. Highlights

25. I once peed in my own face. Long story, but the lesson learned is to never urinate on a windy day in an outhouse that is being cleaned.

Interview with MLBMommy

2008-11-26T21:01:00.002-06:00

So the wifey and I decided to interview each other for our blogs so we sat down on the couch with our Bizzle Baby and some Cheez-It's and had at it. Here is how my portion of the view went...

MLBDaddy: So we went to dinner and furniture browsing tonight, did you see anything you would want to buy for our family room?

MLBMommy: Maybe. I think I'd like to go back to our first shopping stop and check out that couch again, and check to see if it's on sale.

MLBDaddy: So what's your top priority as far as our home improvements go?

MLBMommy: Finishing the cleaning of the basement.

MLBDaddy: Shifting gears a bit here, what's it like being married to a member of "the family"?

MLBMommy: [Eyes racing around the room. Digging for Cheez-Its] I think its nice you have so many friends, or err, family members. And I've gotten to know some really cool people because of it too.

MLBDaddy: If you had to listen to the same song on repeat for the rest of your life, which song would you choose and why?

MLBMommy: There are probably a lot of them. I can listen to the same song on repeat at work over and over again. But, for the rest of my life, I guess I can't really choose one. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

MLBDaddy: Let's say that John McCain beat out Obama in the November election. What would your reaction have been?

MLBMommy: I would have said [laugh laugh, picking at fingers]. I don't know what I would have said. I would have been disappointed.

MLBDaddy: What is your all-time favorite MLBDaddy blog post?

MLBMommy: The Oregon Trail.

MLBDaddy: What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

MLBMommy: I have never received any advice. I like, never had anyone like, telling me any like, advice like in sports or anything. The best piece of advice I have gotten recently was from some friends who advised me to have Max sleep in his own room.

MLBDaddy: You asked me this one a few minutes ago, so I'm gonna ask it of you as well. What is your ideal vacation?

MLBMommy: I think I would like to go on a cruise to Europe. I'd like to go to Norway en stuff.

MLBDaddy: Ahh, a cruise. What cruise line would you like to go on.

MLBMommy: [With a bit of tude] It doesn't really matter.

MLBDaddy: Please rank the following songs in order from your most to least favorite.
1. Everybody Dance Now - C&C Music Factory
2. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
3. Whip It - Devo
4. Life is a Highway - Tom Cochran
5. She Blinded with Science -

MLBMommy: When I hear the song Whip It, I keep thinking of the song Push It by Salt & Peppa. Will you sing Whip it for me? Not just the melody, the Whip It part?

MLBDaddy: I only know the Whip It part.

MLBMommy: 1. Life is a Highway 2. Everybody Dance Now (A very distant #2) 3. My Hear Will Go On (Because it was our junior year prom song) After that the last two both suck. Neither, they are tied for bad.

MLBDaddy: Excluding cracking my ankles, what is the most annoying thing I do?

MLBMommy: [Had to think for a long time] It's hard to pick the most annoying thing cause nothing is like really really bad where I'm like, oh that is the most annoying thing ever ya know. Do you want like several?

MLBDaddy: Sure, you can give me a few.

MLBMommy: One of them is when we get home from work every day and you have to like poop for a half hour. Another one is when you clean up 90% of something and don't finish the last 10%. Oh crap, I just thought of another one, now what was it? [Munching the Cheez-Its] Oh yeah, when you always think things are going to go wrong. And when you want to be places a half hour early. Also, I think its not really annoying but kinda funny when like you are looking for something and it's like right in front of you and you can't find it so then I have to go looking for it and it's right there in front of you.

MLBDaddy: I'm sorry that I poop. My bad.

MLBDaddy: And what is my most annoying saying that I have?

MLBMommy: No Diggity No Doubt, No Triggity No Trout.

MLBDaddy: If MLB and I were hanging from a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would you save?

MLBMommy: That's a dumb question

MLBDaddy: The premise of mlbdaddy.blogspot.com is to try to answer dumb questions. Thanks for playing.

MLBDaddy: That just about wraps things up. Thanks much for your time.

What did you used to do for fun?

2008-11-24T21:31:00.004-06:00

When you were a little kid, or maybe not even that little,
what kind of weird games or things did you do to entertain yourself?

Here are three things that I look back on with the fondest of memories from my childhood...

1. RUBBER BAND WARS - Making forts in my basement with my friends and then having rubber band wars. We would use blankets,
couch cushions, a ping pong table, and various other structures to construct elaborate fortresses to protect ourselves from the enemy. Usually a game played in one vs. one fashion, there were several unwritten rules to rubber band wars...

- A winner of the war was determined by the first player who struck their opponent with a rubber band five times, first to five wins

- Each player was given an equal number of rubber bands at the beginning of the game to be used as a weapon in the war

- No player was allowed to cross the imaginary line in the middle of the room for any reason

- No aiming for the face, but sweet for you if you hit the face, nice shot!!

- Verbal taunting while hidden deep within your fort is a sucka move, but not forbidden

The bravest of players would expose themselves in the open to volleys from the opposition in attempt to "load up with rubber" and ultimately control the game. WHEWWW, those were good times.

2. MAKING SANDWICHES - We are not talking about a few slices of turkey on bread with some lettuce and mayo that you eat for a meal. Oh no, we are talking little kid, human sandwiches. Here's the deal.

The rents used to have this old couch in our basement, brown and white checkered to be more detailed. Anyways, the couch had detachable butt cushions that were perfect for the construction of rubber band forts (see above). But thats not all they were good for, ahh no. They were even better served for use as pieces of bread to make human sandwiches. One cushion on the bottom, one 6 to 12 year old kid as the meat, a yellow blanket for the cheese, and voila, you had yourself hours of enjoyment. Whoever was making the sandwich always got to jump on top to make sure it remained cohesive. After further review, I'm pretty sure that this activity is what prompted my sister, several years later, to become a Sandwich Artist as the local Subway. Eat fresh Anne!

3. NILOYS and HUFFIES - I used to have a pillow. I called it a NILOY. I gave it Huffies. It smelled like rotten cheesecake. I loved my NILOY.

Now, tell me about the sweet things you used to do.

Mmmk, bye!

Wii Champion

2008-11-22T20:41:00.003-06:00

It wasn't easy, wasn't easy at all. But guess who won the second annual Wii family bowling tourney? Two years runnin baby!!

Here I am before the magnitude of the win really sank in.

Here I am 2.3 seconds later when I realized that repeat champions are rare.

Better start practicing fam, next years tourney will be here quicker than you think!

An Ode to Turkey Day

2008-11-21T15:41:00.000-06:00

T-Giving comes around once a year,
I'm thankful that it's almost here.
Time to stuff our faces with eats,
Mashed potatoes, stuffing, and beets.

Tears of joy many cry,
When they see the pumpkin pie
Thats not me - I like the main course,
Mr. Ed was a talking horse.

Around the table is where we'll be,
MLBMommy, the fam and little Squirmy.
How great it is to be together,
Even with the colder weather.

Bring out the sweet potatos and the corn
Somali pirates are terrorizing the Horn (Of Africa)
But do not fret there is more to come,
Veggies, salads and apple dum dums.

So many things to be thankful for,
Uncork the wine (POP), now pour!
Raise your glasses one and all,
Black Friday's tomorrow, avoid the mall.

After the meal unbuckle the belt,
Odiforous offerings ready to be dealt.
Sit down to watch the football game,
Lions lose again, what a shame.

Drink some beers and take a nap,
Squirmy G has prepared a rap.
Here it goes there is nothing like it,
Listen up... the kid is going to Mic it.

He does a good job and is ready to lie down,
what buried treasures are waiting to be found.
Ok I stole that line from an MLB book,
the kid don't care, just give him his Nuk.

This poem is getting a bit off topic,
It's bordering on the catostrophic.
This might not make sense, and might be lame,
I hope you read it just the same.

I just want to let you all know,
that I'm thankful and very much so.
I have a great family and many good friends,
A streak of good luck that hopefully never ends.

I'm thankful for this, and thankful for that,
Too much to eat and I'll get fat.
Turkey day is running through my head,
Later fools, time to 30 Day Shred.

Shreddin

2008-11-19T21:54:00.005-06:00

I'm back.

Is a man that works out to a girly workout tape less of a man? Let's discuss.

This evening I did Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred" with MLBMommy. It was a brutal ass kicking, the likes of which I haven't received since running fart licks during 8th grade basketball practice. (Sidenote: A fart lick is a running drill in which every member of a team jogs around the gym in a line. Upon the coaches whistle blow, the player at the end of the line has to sprint to the front of the line and become the line leader. Everyone else is supposed to try to lick your fart as you run by. At least that's why I always thought it was called that, I could be wrong??)

Anyways, I spent about 25 minutes of my night shreddin. Totally shreddin dudes. Now my arms feel like Jell-O, my stomach is upset, and I have the shakes. I think I qualify as out of shape.

But let’s get to the heart of the conversation here. Can I get away with doing the “30 Day Shred” for the entire 30 days or shall I stop myself while I still slightly resemble a male? Keep in mind that the workout involves, shadow jump roping, “butt kicks”, jumping jacks, bicycle crunches and much more. I don’t know a lot of dudes that will subject themselves to doing workout tapes, especially a workout that from all outward appearances seems to be targeted at chicks. How many of you fellas out there have done “butt kicks” before?

That’s what I thought.

I think I will stick to the regimen, please talk me out of it… just 29 days to go!

Mmmk, bye!

Updates

2008-07-21T21:30:00.003-05:00

What I've been doing since last I blogged...

I watched Tiger win the U.S. Open - Gag me with a spoon

I got a new celly! Kinda a big deal. You can punch in my digits and hit me on the hip or shoot me a text anytime you like. For reals yo!

I've played in two golf scrambles with a fair to good showing in one and a poor to very poor showing in the other. All in all I've been quite satisfied with my golf game thus far.

MLB and I are working on quick wrists. He can swing the bat pretty well but his strike zone is still pretty small because he has yet to master standing up at home plate for more and a few seconds.

Last week I mowed my lawn diagonal from right to left, this week diagonal from left to right and next week... the possibilities seem endless.

The wife and I celebrated our 4th year of wedded bliss (love ya MLBMommy). How many people reading this spent any part of their wedding anniversary's on the breakwater in Two Harbors, MN? Jealous? I thought so. During our time there we discuss such things as, "If I were to throw you off a boat in the middle of Lake Superior and leave you for dead, do you think they would make a Dateline NBC episode about the murder?"

I've been watching the Twins on and off. My frustrations with the team are few and far between because I think they are exceeding my expectations and then some. However, Delmon Young swinging at the first pitch and hitting weak ground balls day after day is growing quite tiresome. Also, I think the guy might have some sort of condition. He just doesn't look right.

The fam and I are enjoying our first summer at our new home. I would give it two thumbs up. The ones I get to enjoy it with are the best part, but even without them it would be decently sweet.

Spending time at the new family cabin has also been a treat. Now that there is an operational pooper, that place deserves two thumbs up as well.

Oh, I almost forgot, I got a new job. I go there, work, wonder if I'll get a paycheck every two weeks, and call it a day.

That's about all I got. I'd like to keep this thing updated a bit more but I can't promise anything.

Mmmmmk Bye!

The Answers

2008-07-01T21:25:00.002-05:00

Jenny got the best score, but it wasn't a perfect score so I don't have to give out a prize. She got 18 out of 20 I believe. Here are my answers...

Las Vegas - cool
toe rings- lame
Tiger Woods - lame
white dress pants - lame
turtles - cool
turtle necks - lame
Mariano Rivera - lame
Tesla (The Band) - cool
the mall - lame
the Metrodome - cool
Peekapoo's (Dog) - cool
strawberry malts - lame
Mary J Blige type sunglasses - lame
Snoopy Fishing Poles - cool
Vitamin Water - lame
Snood (The Computer Game) - cool
Arctic Cat Snowmobiles - lame
Shane Mack (Former MN Twin) - lame
Starbucks - lame
visors - lame
Traveling to Europe in the Summer - lame
Helen Hunt - lame
changing diapers - lame
Tom Petty - cool
The Grammy Awards - lame
Harry Potter - lame
the ballet - lame
Kevin Garnett - cool
Dave Matthews Band - lame
ESPN the Magazine - lame

Cool or Lame

2008-06-12T20:45:00.005-05:00

Here is a list of 30 nouns (persons, places or things) that I think are either cool or lame. Your job is to copy the list into the comments section, then write next to it whether you think I think it is cool or lame. If you get 100% then you may or may not get a special prize. Here we go...

Las Vegas
toe rings
Tiger Woods
white dress pants
turtles
turtle necks
Mariano Rivera
Tesla (The Band)
the mall
the Metrodome
Peekapoo's (Dog)
strawberry malts
Mary J Blige type sunglasses
Snoopy Fishing Poles
Vitamin Water
Snood (The Computer Game)
Arctic Cat Snowmobiles
Shane Mack (Former MN Twin)
Starbucks
visors
Traveling to Europe in the Summer
Helen Hunt
changing diapers
Tom Petty
The Grammy Awards
Harry Potter
the ballet
Kevin Garnett
Dave Matthews Band
ESPN the Magazine

Good luck!

An Ode to Summer

2008-06-11T21:07:00.003-05:00

Its been awhile since I've done an ode, so here goes...

It is only a few months out of the year,
a time of warmth is very near.
It has been cold and my yard is muddy,
Some towns around here are floody floody.

You wouldn't guess it by recent weather,
It makes me feel like a bird without feathers.
But a turnaround is sure to come,
Summer is coming lets drink some rum.

Why does sun burn have to hurt,
Beejo buries flowers in special dirt.
She says it will help to make them grow,
I argue: How the heck do you really know?

Then with some rain and a little sun,
Up come the flowers and oh what fun.
She proves me wrong time after time,
My Lyrical flow is full of rhyme.

When the weather is nice we go outside,
MLB has a sweet new slide.
He likes to ride it up or down,
Carrot Top is a freakin clown.

Golf rules but my swing is bad,
the Twins 6 game losing streak is quite sad.
June 21st is the first day of the season,
Sir Walter Raleigh was convicted of treason.

Summer is a time for BAR-B-Q,
whats your favorite brand of shoe?
I like to make a good burger or steak,
Sheryl Crow sang about her Favorite mistake.

A time to swim or fish or camp,
Duluth is jacking the prices in the parking ramp.
And what's up with the price of oil?
I think we can blame all the world turmoil.

It's not like I'm going green,
But 4 bucks a gallon is pretty obscene.
At least there is some good news,
Torii dug up some old dead shrews.

I'm not here to get you depressed,
but things these days seem a mess.
So let's be happy and keep a smile,
It's gonna be summer for a very short while.

I Own A Lawn Tractor

2008-06-09T20:46:00.004-05:00

HERE IT IS

AND HERE I AM TRYING TO CONTAIN MY
EXCITEMENT WHILE HOLDING ONTO A WHALE FIN

Let's discuss. Is it sweet or unsweet to have a lawn tractor? When I first thought of buying a lawn tractor I felt a bit old and much too fatherly. Then I used it and I would estimate it saved me at least 3 hours of push mowing, if not more.

Some could argue it makes you less of a man to use a tractor to mow. I mean seriously, I'm not that old, I should be able to push a mower around for a few hours. Am I less of a man because I don't push mow anymore, or am I more of a man because I now own a Craftsman 20 Horsepower, 6 speed, 46 inch cut, mows in reverse, sweet ass time saver? Did I mention the thing has headlights. I was cutting grass until 10pm my friends, 10 freakin pm. If I could do the Tim the Tool Man Taylor "Ahh ahhh ahhhh" grunt call I would.

Also, I feel like a complete tube steak riding the thing.

That is all.

Mmmmk bye!

I've Been Traveling the Trail

2008-06-05T22:37:00.002-05:00

Sorry I've been gone so long, I was on a trip, traveling the trail...

I've always wanted to go on a family adventure into the wild blue yonder and be forced to live off the land for a few days or weeks. I think it would be a fun challenge where one could learn a lot about oneself and those they love. Because I know this adventure will never take place in real life, I instead decided to simulate what it might be like. Thus, I created my family on the classic Apple II game Oregon Trail and off we went on the adventure of a lifetime. The following are excerpts from my own personal journal which I kept during the journey. Enjoy!

Day 1 - It's time for a change. I've decided to pack the family in a covered wagon filled with only the most essential of supplies and move west. With me I have brought my wife MLBMommy, my son MLB, and our beloved pet MLBDoggie. Because the wagon seats five comfortably and the trip may require a multitude of skills which I do not possess, I have also invited along MLBMommy's father Wayne as he is indeed quite handy and will no doubt prove to be a valuable asset on our journey. Along with my loved ones we have purchased the following...

- 3 yoke of oxen (Props to Wayne for informing me a yoke is a team of two oxen)

- 2000 lbs of food (Squirmy likes to eat)
- 2 Wagon Wheels
- 2 Wagon Axels
- 2 Wagon Tongues (I don't know what these are, but the store owner advised me to buy)
- 10 boxes of ammunition
- 10 sets of clothing (9 of these are for MLBMommy as she can never figure out what to wear)

We take the trail with high hopes, dreams of a better life, and excitement about what lies ahead!

Day 4 - We have survived the first four days of our trip west. The weather has been cool as normal for this time of year (April) and the berries have been plentiful thus far. We did have one slight issue as MLBDoggie fractured her leg when she leaped out of the wagon to chase a raccoon. Our oxen are strong and healthy and we are averaging about 12 miles per day. Let's hope we can keep this pace up!

Day 7 - Our party has reached the Kansas River Crossing. The beauty of this land is unexplainable as we push onward. When we arrived at the river a friendly native informed us that the river depth was about average for this time of year. At our crossing point, the deepest spot was 4.5 ft. Although we had no idea what we were getting into, we decided to chaulk our wagon, pile in all our belongings, and float across. The idea proved to be a good one as we successfully made it to the other side with no problems. MLBMommy of course has brought along her camera and here is a picture she took of the crossing before we passed over the river.

Day 12 - By crocki - we have hit the jackpot. While MLBDoggie was hobbling around on her broken leg this afternoon she sniffed upon an abandoned wagon containing a set of clothing and 63 bullets. What a find!!

Day 13 - When we reached the Blue River crossing today we were pleasantly surprised to find that the water level was quite low. At 2.8 ft deep we were easily able to ford the river. Unfortunately some of our supplies did get a little wet as MLB had a bit of a tantrum on the way across and tossed a couple items overboard. We decided to hang out for a day and let our stuff dry out.

Day 22 - The weather has turned very wet with heavy rains falling daily. MLBMommy has come down with the measles and says she "feels like a sack of potatoes". We made it to Fort Kearney where we were given props for the slick rain catch Wayne rigged up on the side of our wagon. Check out the picture I got of MLBMommy in her decently sweet purple dress with little MLB tugging at her side while she talks to a soldier at the fort.

Day 33- Dawgunit. We have had pretty good success with the wagon thus far, but today while MLB had the ropes, one of the male oxen took to one of the females and veered out of his path bringing the entire wagon with him. A large boulder hit the side of the back right wheel and snapped er. We attempted to fix it, but no soup.

Day 36 - Today we arrived at Chimney Rock. Its a big rock shaped like a Chimney. It kinda reminded me of the time I went to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota. Its just a big Palace made of corn.

Day 38 - While relieving myself in the bushes today I found some wild fruit. Tasty stuff!

Day 41 - We've made it a third of the way to the end of the trail and today pulled up to the gates of Fort Laramie. Astoundingly we have had great health and successful travels to this point. We decided to buy some more food and we extremely pleased to find the fort just opened up a Chipotle. We have to enjoy luxuries we don't have in Duluth, so we purchased two hundred pounds of burritos... mmm mmm good eatin!

Day 48 - I shot me a buffalo. That's right, a Tatonka as they say in Dances with Wolves. Got him!! I didn't have much skills with the butcher knife so we only got around 100lbs of meat off him. It's the first animal I've ever shot in my life. Here is a picture of me standing over the fallen beast...

Day 61 - We've reached the end of May and its getting hot hot hot out. At Independence Rock Wayne busted out the map and much to our chagrin we are still not to the halfway point. Also, we have had 6 meals of buffalo burgers and MLB has really taken a liking to them. He gets the same grin on his face when he eats them as he does when you give him a grilled cheese.

Day 70 - The weather has cooled down again and Wayne's GPS tells us that we have traveled 932 miles. Spirits are still high. We have come to a split in the trail and have a choice to make: 1. Head for the Green River Crossing or 2. Head for Fort Bridger. There is a split amongst the members of our party which way to head. We are about to have a rock, paper, scissors battle to determine which direction to take. Ill be right back.

I'm back, MLBMommy tapped the rock over and over and cruised to the win and has decided that she wants to head to Fort Bridger. Hopefully this proves to be a wise decision.

Day 81- We have made it to Fort Bridger. Conditions are dry and the water has been hard to come by. I ran into a woman at the water well and she told me a freaky deaky tale of a young boy becoming a man while traveling the trail. The story went a little something like this...

ME: Hey there whassup?
HER: One child drowned in a swollen creek east of Fort Laramie. My husband died of typhoid near Independence Rock. Now I travel alone with my five children.

ME: OHH, thats tragic. How old are your kids? And is that a puffy vest you are wearing?
HER: The eldest, Caleb, is eleven. I fear he'll be a man before we reach Oregon. And yes, I never leave home without my puffy vest.
ME: I'm not sure whats worse, the fact that your children must suffer through the loss of their father, or that they have to suffer through looking at you wear that vest.

Day 95 - Life on the trail is taking its toll. Wayne has the measles, one of the oxen is injured, and MLBMommy has missed the entire season of Project Runway. Thank heavens for TIVO.

Here is a nice family we met while we spent the day lounging in the Soda Springs. They had an ox named TiddlyWink. He was lazy yet effective.

Day 120 - It's been awhile since I've journaled but I had to mention we had our first fatality of the trip. An oxen we named "Ricco" succumbed to the heat today and passed away. We buried him next to the trail and he was remembered with a masterfully delivered eulogy given by MLBDaddy.

Day 127- The wheels are coming off. We have hit a streak of bad luck. Yesterday a fire broke out in our wagon. Initial suspicions were that MLB was playing with the cigarette lighter, which our wagon camp equipped with, and didn't realize the end of it was hot and accidentally started the blaze. We lost 752 lbs of food , 162 bullets, 4 sets of clothing, and in the panic MLBMommy fell out of the wagon and broke her arm. Can you say train wreck?

Day 130 - More bad luck. A thief came and stole 62 bullets from my ammo box last night. Where was MLBDoggie on that one?

Day 140 - Fort Boise was a welcomed site. We had to change our food rations to meager because of all the portions we lost in the fire a few weeks back.

** NOTE: When I used to play Oregon Trail as a kid I always thought the following picture had a boob in it. Now as I travel the trail as a grown adult, I have seen nothing to that changes my opinion...

Day 153 - I fear the worst. Ever since MLBMommy's horrible fall during our wagon fire she has been suffering. Her arm is severely broken, she has had a fever for 5 straight days, and she looks as pale as Michael Jackson. Yikes!

Day 158 - My wife is delirious. She went into the woods for a potty break and we didn't see her again for 5 days. When we found her she was pulling a Michael Scott from that episode of The Office where he played "SurvivorMan" and fashioned a hat out his pant legs. Funny, yet scary at the same time.

Day 165 - At long last we have made it to the Dalles. Clearly we are going down the river cause its the funnest thing to do. Wish us luck. I've been nominated to steer the wagon. Hopefully I won't smash into any rocks.

AND WE MADE IT!!!!

No one died, we only lost one ox, and I now know how to caulk a wagon. How sweet can life be? There were many highs and several lows along this arduous journey but my family has proven, as I thought they would, that we are up for any challenge. Oregon is even lovelier than we could have ever dreamed. I haven't felt this good about life since I got the all time Lakewood chool 4th grade high score playing Number Munchers.

Mmmk bye!

One Year

2008-05-08T09:18:00.001-05:00

It's been quite a year. MLB came into the world exactly a year ago. I sorta started to tear up a bit in the shower this morning thinking about how far he has come and all the great things he has brought to MLBMommy and I. Without him, MLBDaddy and MLBMommy would still just be TB and Beejo, and that wouldn't be cool for anyone.

Our worlds have completely changed, and I can honestly say that although changes are sometimes difficult for me to deal with, I wouldn't trade any of the sweet times for anything. I love our little man so much and I'm thrilled about all the good stuff that is yet to come as he grows up.

He was properly outfitted with a new glove, ball, Big Red Bat and some Twins PJ's this morning (Pictures on www.beejo.typepad.com to come soon). UPDATE: His arm is getting stronger, and the two seam fastball he throws is starting to run nicely. Golf swing? Still needs some work, but we have time.

Anyways, I just wanted to give a big Happy Birthday Greeting to MLB. Love ya buster!

I Did it all for the Nookster by Squirmy G

2008-04-29T11:46:00.007-05:00

Squirmy G in the Studio - Nookster in Mouth

I came into this world as a little guy

Look into these eyes

Then you'll see the size of my baby blues

Dwellin on the past

I'm turnin in my crib

Everyone that falls has to learn from the pain

Hey I think about the day

My Mommy ran away with my bottle

When fellas come to play

No she stuck with my sippy cup that she heated

And I'm just a buster with a scratch up on my cheek

Hey, like a Squirmy

Should I be feelin' bad?YAY

Should I be feelin good? YAY

Its kinda sad I'm the biggest Squirmster in the neighborhood

You would think that I'd be movin' on

But I'm a Squirmy like I said

Crawlin on the floor, not!!

Maybe she just made a mistake

I should give her a break

My heart will ache either way

Hey, what the hoooo

Watcha want me to say

I wont lie that I cant deny

I did it all for my Nookster

C'mon My Nookster C'mon

So you can take that Nuk

And stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

Stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

Stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

Why did I sleep so long?

Why did I sleep so long, huh

To figure it out would be tough

And I'm the only one underneath my blankey
I cant believe that I can be deceived

By my so called Daddy, but in reality

He Had hidden agenda

He hid my nook next to the blender

And still I surrendered
Hey, like a Squirmy

I did it all for my Nookster

C'monMy Nookster C'mon

So you can take that Nuk

And stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

Stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

Stick it in my mouth, yeah!!

I'm only one Squirmy

Its so easy for your friends to give you their toys

They tell you to play with them

But its easier said then done

I appreciate it

I do, but just leave me with my Nuk

Leave me with my Nuk

Just leave me with my Nuk!!

Just leave me with my Nuk!

Lots of diapers to change

If you can go away

Im just gonna stay here and always with my Nuk

Lots of diapers to change

If you can go away

Im just gonna stay here and always with my Nuk

Lots of diapers to change

If you can go awayI

m just gonna stay here and always with my Nuk

I did it all for my Nookster, PEACE!

Which are you?

2008-04-28T15:21:00.002-05:00

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."
- Arnold H. Glasgow

Are you a hatcher or a smasher?

I my friends, am a smasher.

Let's take for example making pancakes. One time, I was making pancakes on a leisurely weekend morning with not another care in the world. I was intent on turing my delicate mix of batter into the pefectly round golden brown goodness it was meant to be. It turned out on this particular morning that my usual steady flipping hand was failing me. Time and again as my jacks were ready for a flippin, I would destroy them by making a crappy turn. Batter was here, batter was there, batter was each and everywhere. Frustration set in after several poor turns and a wave of rage surged through my body resulting in a spatula toss and a few choice words. It's a moment I am not proud of. Sadly, I have been unable to go back to flapjack flippin since.

I'm a smasher.

Lets take for example home improvement projects. MLBMommy can attest to the fact that you probably don't want to be in a room with me during any sort of home improvement work. Generally, I go into a home improvement situation with good intentions in hopes that the project will be as easy, straightforward, and time friendly as it seems. Then, when it doesn't go that way, I turn into little Miss Pissy Pants within minutes. Why? Because A) I'd rather be doing something else and B) anything that Zippy of the Year candidate Ty Pennington is better than me at is clearly something that is going to pet my peeve. Things that involve hammers, tape measures, screwdrivers, wrenches, pliers, paint brushes, saws, and other standard tools also involve a bit of small motor coordination, something of which I am greatly lacking. I can't button my own shirt cuffs either. Smash, smash, smash!

I'm a smasher.

Lets take for example waiting for MLBMommy to prepare for a night out. As most guys are, I'm a hop in the shower, slap on some deodorant, throw on a shirt and pull on some pants and I'm ready to go type. It doesn't take a whole lot to make this body beautiful. It doesn't take a whole lot to make MLBMommy beautiful either, but that doesn't mean she doesn't TAKE HER SWEET TIME. I'm a punctual person, I like to leave early for things and I'm probably a 9.5 out of 10 on the analability scale when it comes to being late. MLBMommy is a show up right on time type which makes me nervier than your mom used to be when you stayed out too late in high school. Almost without fail when we have somewhere to be or something to do, the seconds, minutes and hours leading up to our departure is a test of my patience. Usually I fail the test and we have a dialogue similar to this...

ME: Ready yet?
HER: Almost.
Two to five minutes elapse

ME: About ready?
HER: Just about.
One to three minutes elapse.

ME: We are supposed to be there at 7:30.
HER: Yes, I know Tom.
Thirty seconds elapse.

ME: Let's freaking go. (Said in a sarcastic tone but meant with a strong hint of smash.)

And the pattern continues in similar fashion up until we finally leave.

Over the 4 years of our marriage I have tried time and again to not have this conversation, but have failed on each attempt. Why? I'm a smasher.

Someone wise once said "patience is a virtue." Obviously they were right because its definately not cool to abuse kitcken utensils, wear pissy pants, or rush anyones beautification process.

The moral of the story is...No matter how trying a situation is on your patience you should always try to remember your incubator. Become a hatcher, it will lead to a happier life for you and those around you.

And that is about as deep as I will get.

Let me know if you are a hatcher or a smasher though mmmk.

April 25th...

2008-04-25T07:26:00.004-05:00

Is the the birthday of many a famous person including:

Jacod Underwood - from the sweet band O-Town.
Jason Lee - The dude from "My Name is Earl"
Renee Zellweger - She has even been to Duluth, MN
Talia Shire - "Yo Adrian" - She was Rocky's girlfriend
Al Pacino - Legend
Meadowlark Lemon - Balled with the Globetrotters
Ella Fitzgerald - Jazz Singer
Edward R. Murrow - News man. I watched that boring movie about him.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

MLBCOUSIN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN!

Introducing Squirmy G

2008-04-23T22:57:00.003-05:00

MLBDaddy would like to introduce a new rappa on the scene who can break it down straight up gangsta like no other. Here is a shot of Squirmy G warming up his vocals with a little ballin before spittin mad game on his Fischer Price mic.

Hours of hard work have led to Squirmy G's debut album, the lyrics of which will be shared on this blog over the next few months. Let's kick it off with this hot track... a remix of Soulja Boy. Enjoy!!

Squirmy Boy by Squirmy G
(whooooooooooo!!!)

Squirmy boy tell em

ayy i got this new dance fo yall called tha Squirmy Boy

(whooooooooooo!!!)

u gotta potty den smile back 3 times at your momma

(aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh whooooooooooo!!!)

Squirmy Boy up In it (oh)
Watch Me Squirm It
Watch Me Crawl
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat (oh)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me Soak It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat diapy
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me crawl in just one sock
Super Soak Dat Diapy
Then take me to my changing dock
Super Fresh, Now Wash my blocks
Gigglin' On dem Hatas Mane
When I Do Dat Squirmy Boy
I Lean out my crib and Squirm Dat Thang
(Now whooooooooooo!!!)
I'm Gigglin' on yo Torii baby
And If We Get To Fightin
Den im Pullin' on yo tail
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Soak It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
I Got Me Some Onezies

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me Soak It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat diapy
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me Soak It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat diapy
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

I'm Bouncin In Ma Jumperoo
Watch Me Super Soak Dat Diapy
I'm a Pass It To gram ma
Then she Gon scoop me up fa sho
Haterz Wanna Be Me
Squirmy Boy, I'm The Man
They Be Lookin At Ma Baby Fat
Sayin' he's the cutest man (man)
Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)
Squirm (Squirm)
Soak'N through (Soak'N through)
Nope,You Can't Do It Like Me
So Don't Do It Like Me
Folks, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me
Man That Diapy Was Ugly

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me Soak It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat diapy
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

Squirmy Boy up In dis diapy
Watch Me Soak It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Soak Dat Squirmy Boy
den Super Soak Dat diapy
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)
Now watch me whooooooooooo!!!
(Soak Dat Squirmy Boy)

im too clean off in dis crib
Watch me soak it watch me roll
Watch me poo dis Pamper den supa soak dat diapy(whooooooooooo!!!)
supa soak dat diapy(supa soak dat diapy)
supa soak dat diapy(supa soak dat diapy)
supa soak dat diapy(supa soak dat diapy)
supa soak dat diapy(supa soak dat diapy)

Calling All Voters

2008-04-22T08:04:00.004-05:00

Please go to Aaron Gleeman's blog and vote for your favorite logo/header for his site.

I made #5 "Women of AG.com" - not saying you have to vote for it, but you should!

Dear Joe

2008-04-17T07:49:00.001-05:00

Dear Joe,

On behalf of the readers and voters of the first annual MLBDaddy What's Cooler Tournament I would like to sincerely congratulate you for being crowned tournament champion.

The What's Cooler Tournament started on March 12, 2008 as a chance for readers of http://mlbdaddy.blogspot.com/ to choose their favorite people involved with the 2008 Minnesota Twins. Without your knowing, you faced off against eight worthy competitors, cruised your way to the finals, and went head-to-head against your Jimmy Johns loving buddy Justin Morneau. You won! Let me be the first to say that you are a very deserving and worthy champion.

As winner of the Tournament I would like to invite you to Duluth, MN in the fall of 2008 (after the baseball season of course) to partake in a formal dinner that will celebrate your great victory. Accommodations will be provided for you and one guest. These accommodations include, but are not limited to: a two nights stay in the MLBDaddy guest room, a fabulous spa experience in a spacious 6-seat custom hot tub, a round of golf with MLBDaddy and all his buddies, 6 delicious meals which you may choose from MLBDaddy's personal menu, a guided tour of the city and all its wonderful attractions, and much more.

Furthermore, I wish to inform you that design of the Whats Cooler Tournament Champion t-shirt has already begun. Once the shirt is completed and has been approved for sale, I will ship you one immediately. The only thing I ask is that you wear it with pride.

Also, just as an FYI, the list of people you defeated to become champion includes Bert, Boof, Dazzle, Marney, Neshek, and Dick Bremer. Feel free to rub this win, a win I feel you should consider one of the greatest achievements of your life time, into their faces.

On behalf of MLBDaddy and his readers I wish you all the best in your future career and life endeavors. May this tournament championship be the first of many during your professional career!

Sincerely,

MLBDaddy
Blogger and Twins Fan
mlbdaddy.blogspot.com

Copy Catz that are Down

2008-04-15T13:29:00.002-05:00

This lamo forwarded email type thing is circulating on some blogs I frequent and I wanted to give voters a few more days on the finals of the WCT to cast their ballots so I figured I would give my readers some insight into the mind of MLBDaddy by posting my answers...

Maybe I should have a whats cooler tournament with people in my everyday life.

I love the smell of victory.

People would say that I take some things that are not important too seriously, and that I take some things that are important, not seriously enough.

I don’t understand why my wife needs more than one purse.

When I wake up in the morning its almost always about 5-10 minutes before the alarm will go off.

I lost our house phone once because I put it on top of my vehicle and then drove away. Umm, this may have actully happened twice.

Life is full of things that I usually think are going to suck and then turn out to be aight.

My past is like a really solid episode of Degrassi Junior High.

I get annoyed when I'm trying to watch something on TV and MLBMommy is trying to TIVO two other shows and that little message pops up that says "Would you like to stay on this channel or change the channel to tape 'Real World 47: Hawaii'.

Parties are not my thing.

I wish that I could watch my dad catch a 10 lbs plus walleye.

Dogs are smarter than most humans.

Cats... I got catz that are down!

Tomorrow Livan Hernandez attempts to go 4-0.

I have low tolerance for shopping.

I’m totally terrified of getting the pull hooks with my driver and irons and never being able to hit the ball straight again.

I wonder why peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not called jelly and peanut butter sandwiches.

Never in my life have I used more than 10 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

High school class reunions in Silver Bay, MN are something that I wish everyone in the world could experience at least once.

When I’m nervous I'm usually rewarded with something really great, like MLB.

One time at a family gathering my mom stepped on a hot cast iron bar and got 2nd degree burns on her foot and we had to leave for home before the family volleyball game and then when we got home the fireworks in Duluth exploded all at once and it was just not a good day.

Take my advice: We are all going to die someday anyways, so eat what you want.

Making my bed would be the biggest waste of time in my day.

I'm almost always thinking about what time the Twins are on.

I’m addicted to snacking.

I want someone to break Barry Bonds homerun record and I would prefer that it not be A-Rod.

WCT: THE FINALS!

2008-04-13T11:16:00.005-05:00

SEMI-FINAL MATCH-UP #2 RESULTS: The second semi-final came down to the wire and Justin just edged out Pat winning by only 3 votes. I suppose when there are only 13 votes winning by 3 is a pretty large margin, but still it was close. I would do some math and give you the percentages, but who cares? Justin won.

UPDATED TOURNEY BRACKET

ON TO THE FINALS!

Joe vs Justin

It has been a long hard road to the finals for both Joe and Justin but each have earned their way into this championship match-up in one of the most spectacular tournaments known to man.

There is little left to say about either of the finalists. Together they are known as the M & M Boys. Together they have eaten many a Jimmy Johns sub. And together they will now battle it out to become the 1st Annual MLBDaddy Whats Cooler Tournament Champion.

Will it be Joe or will it be Justin?

Happy voting!

WCT SEMI-FINAL ROUND MATCH-UP #2: JUSTIN vs. PAT

2008-04-09T19:25:00.006-05:00

SEMI-FINAL MATCH-UP #1 RESULTS: Why this match-up was a blowout sorta baffles me. I guess that not enough of the FSN watching grandma's who seem to love Bert are reading and voting on this blog. Bert only got two votes. This outcome saddens MLBDaddy because I think that it would have been fun to write to Bert and tell him he was the winner. I think he would have honestly been proud. But such is life. Also, "HE IS HOT" is no longer a valid justification for a vote in the What's Cooler Tournament. I've let it slide too long, but I can't sit idly by for another minute... no more "Joe is hot, he gets my vote" cause that is cousin robby. I'm not trying to say you can't vote for someone because you think they are hot, I'm just saying I don't want to hear about.

Moving along...

Justin vs Pat

Justin is HOT, and I am a fifth grade girl. So now that's out of the way let's figure out if he is cool.

Justin has a pretty darn sweet website. He thinks that he can hit the ball farther than Krash but I'll put 5 bucks on #28 from CSS in a home run derby. Krash, you get to swing aluminum.

Justin is clearly Canadian and MLBDaddy used to thoroughly enjoy the cherry flavor. Do they still make that drink?

When Justin was 16 he reached a crossroad in his life. He had to choose between pursing a life as a puck stopper in hockey or a ball masher in baseball. The curly haired, tall guy chose wisely. The hockey playoffs are not even on network TV. What does that say about how sweet that sport is.

Pat Neshek's blog is still red.

Today I read this from his blog...

"Other things about signing, I love signing before the game outside the dome and my favorite place to sign is in the bullpen about 8-20 mins before the game...Just come down to the bullpen and give me a shout. I heard they are selling my t-shirts at the dome, if you pick one up be sure to stop down and have me sign it."

I wish that MLB was a bit older because we would for shizzle be making a trip down to the bullpen to hit Pat up for an autograph. Not a lot of players actually enjoy signing autographs.

**Side note - MLBDaddy has two pieces of signed memorabilia in his possession 1) A Kirby Puckett rookie card 2) a signed Kevin Tapani card and baseball that I picked up at a Twins signing in the White Bear Lake Napa Auto Parts store. Yes, you read that correctly, I got Tapani's autograph at the Napa Auto Parts store, whassup!

One of Pat's favorite players is Kirby Puckett. Pat wishes Kirby didn't eat so much fried chicken, and MLBDaddy seconds that thought. I wonder if Pat cried the day Kirby died like MLBDaddy did.

So let's review. Fifth grade girls are annoying and Justin Morneau has slightly less home run power than the fifth hitter in the CSS lineup. Thank god Justin's games are not being broadcast on a network called Versus. Pat is an autograph signing machine who enjoyed MLBDaddy's all-time favorite player Kirby Puckett.

Happy voting!

WCT SEMI-FINAL ROUND MATCH-UP #1: BERT vs. JOE

2008-04-08T19:43:00.006-05:00

MATCH-UP #4 RESULTS - In what turned out to be the closest match-up in the first round, Pat Neshek defeated Dick Bremer to earn a spot as the final semi-finalist. He then proceeded yesterday to give up a freaking grand slam to the lamo White Sox which caused many a voter to reconsider. After some debate, MLBDaddy has decided to let yesterday's performance slide and pass Pat into the next round. Here is the updated tourney bracket...

Now we move into the semi-final round where things will start to get difficult. Hopefully the following will help you make an unbiased selection...

Bert vs Joe

Bert Blyleven used to keep up his own web site. I get the impression that the only reason he had it was to try to get into the Hall of Fame. Apparently he stopped caring about that right around December 9, 2005 cause his site hasn't been updated since then. I enjoyed the hell out of reading some of the columns from this site. Along the way I learned many valuable things, such as...

1. What a mulligan is: "In golf, a mulligan is used when you don’t like the shot you just hit, so you use a mulligan to try and do better."

2. What to watch out for when school is out: "School is out, so watch out for all those little knuckleheads around your neighborhood."

3. Why momentum rules: "Momentum is the good part of baseball and of life. Isn’t it nice to get into a good rhythm in your everyday life and isn’t it amazing how everything feels great and everything falls into place? Well, that’s what I want for all of my readers. Feel good about yourself and you will find that momentum."

Sounds to me like Bert would be a valuable asset to Dr. Phil if he was ever in need of a partner for his show. Bert has many a deep thought.

Also, Bert Belongs.

Joe Mauer has a fan club. He kinda reminds me of Neo from The Matrix both in the way he looks and his Matrix-like way of living his life. It's kinda like everything he does is in slow motion. He also sells and markets his very own hitting tool called The Quick Swing. High school coaches that do not have a clue buy it and let their players use it.

I've never seen Joe Mauer get upset about anything. He is one of the most even tempered players I have ever watched. I'm not so sure that is a good thing. Does the guy even care? Probably not as long as his burns don't get messed up.

So let's review. The semi-finals are a time to step it up. Both Bert and Joe offer a lot of quality and quantity in the arena of coolness. I have never been to that arena myself. Bert is the next Dr. Phil, while Joe has a product that may give you Matrix-like abilities at the plate. Oh yeah, the Quick Swing can be purchased for a mere $79.95.

Happy Voting!!

WCT MATCHUP #4 - PAT vs DICK

2008-04-02T20:57:00.002-05:00

MATCHUP #3 RESULTS: Match-up #3 easily went to Justin. Marney didn't have the support of the female vote and as a result got completely lambasted in the polls. She might have lost this battle, but the gift she recently received should at least slightly make up for her not being crowned the Whats Cooler Tourney champion. I would like to send my most sincere congratulations to Marney as she recently gave birth to a baby boy. Way to go Marn!!

Pat vs Dick

Pat Neshek is cool. The dude does his own thing, doesn't seem to really care what other people think of him, and throws sidearm. He has his own blog and had it well before it became 'the thing' for professional athletes to do. This man is a pioneer. If you read his blog long enough you will see red, your eyes will pulsate, and you might even become a vegan. Pat is a vegan and does not eat Sour Patch Kids.

Pat is the only Twin on my fantasy baseball team. He has three strikeouts and a 0.00 ERA in one inning pitched. My fantasy team it called The Skinny16's. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers throughout the season.

Pat has a very peculiar delivery to the plate. Supposedly he developed his signature style after an arm injury back in high school made it impossible for him to throw over the top. MLBDaddy thinks the dude is just a different sort of Cat and is a bit wacked out in everything he does. He's also one of the best short relievers in the game.

Dick Bremer is a Minnesotan through and through. He is also a bit of cheeseball. Who am I kidding here, he is more than a bit of a cheeseball. But that doesn't mean he isn't cool.

Dick is the play-by-play man on the Twins television broadcasts and has been working as a Twins broadcaster for 24 years. He gets to chill with Bert on a regular basis. For fans that just don't get it, they are one of the most highly entertaining broadcasting duos in all of baseball. For example, last night I learned that Dick once gave Bert a brick for his birthday.

Dick has never said one negative thing about the Twins organization in his life. Clearly, he is a realist, because lets face it, has there every been anything negative to say about the Twins? Only Dick could make Alex Cole sound like the greatest center fielder to ever play the game, and for that, you gotta love the guy.

So let's review. Pat Neshek is a non Sour Patch Kid eating blogger. His blog has a solid red background that may cause seizures. His fastball tails in to right handed hitters and his slider is filthy. GO SKINNY16's!! Dick Bremer is a homer and his first name is Dick. If he was your friend he would give you lavish birthday gifts. He honestly thinks that Sidney Ponson was an outstanding pitcher while he was with the Twins.

Happy voting!

An Ode to Opening Day

2008-03-31T11:31:00.002-05:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
get out your hanky's, stand up and cheer.
It's baseball time ya'll,
there is something worth watching on TV until fall!!

I get giddy with just the thought,
even though my squad has potential to rot.
On paper they dont have alot of promise,
Do you like my first name? It's Thomas.

There is unproven talent all over the field,
and embarrassing play may require an eye shield.
What's really scary is Livan as our number one,
with the opening night start, oh what fun!

I predict he'll give up four in the first inning,
Torii Hunter and his squad will be winning.
After the game Torii Hunter will say,
'Gosh Am I glad that I did not stay.'

But thats not what matters, the season is here.
I'll be on the couch with some chips and a beer.
Oh wait, oh no, MLBMommy wants to diet.
And I foolishly agreed to try it.

That doesn't matter either, it's all about the game.
Nick Punto's swing is pathetic and lame.
The very best part about opening night,
Is that first place is still in sight.

It might not last long but we still have hope,
Who the heck is the current Pope?
I will finish up this ode with some season predictions,
And they might become an MLBDaddy tradition.

Gomez will be a complete goof,
the team's best pitcher will surely be Boof.
Everett will have a terrible year,
Redmond will pull a muscle in his rear.

Cuddyer and Morneau will have nice seasons,
Why Livan? Give me one good reason.
The bullpen will be the teams biggest plus,
and Delmon Young the teams biggest bust.

Mauer will be steady and will hopefully rake,
When I think about the rotation I start to shake.
Weak defense at third may lead to Lamb's demise,
Hopefully he can step up and surprise.

I put this team on about 75 wins,
A fourth place finish for my beloved Twins.
Hopefully I'm wrong and the team takes flight,
Lets find out, it all starts tonight!

WCT MATCHUP #3: MARNEY VS JUSTIN

2008-03-27T20:08:00.003-05:00

MATCHUP #2 RESULTS: Thanks for all the votes and interest. Joe won Matchup #2 in a total blowout. I think Dan only got three votes. Shows how far being a World Series champ and beer endorser will get you in life. As in American Idol, if you don't have the looks, you have no chance. With that in mind, we segue into a match-up of two individuals who can stand up against anyone in terms of hotness...

Marney

Justin

Marney Gellner is quite a specimen. My leg brushed against the small of her back once. The day was August 18, 2007. MLBMommy and I spotted a woman on the stairs, in the upper deck, behind home plate, at the dome, who I thought right away, might be Marney . Naturally, I had to get a closer look to verify my suspicions. She was crouched down in the aisle talking to a man sitting in the first seat of a row about halfway up the section. My heart skipped a beat. As I passed her by on my way down the aisle, several people were making their way up the aisle, and I had no choice but to slide between the two. As I did so, my leg brushed against the back of THE ONE, THE ONLY, MARNEY GELLNER.

Marney is from North Dakota. She went to high school in Minot where she played basketball, volleyball and softball. I read somewhere that she likes to golf but I couldn't find any further proof. Marney also "has a Dixie Chicks CD in her car at all times." She sometimes covers the Twins as a sideline reporter although I believe that her duties have been limited over the last few years. I think she has a secret crush on Ron Coomer, but based on some things I have heard she might also have not-so-secret crushes on multiple players on the Twins, Wild, Vikings, and Timberwolves.

Justin Morneau hit two homers the day MLB was born. I think at this point that makes him MLB's favorite player. Justin has curly hair and used to play hockey. The dude is Canadian, eh? He once sported fake side burns during batting practice to poke fun at his Jimmy Johns eating buddy Joe Mauer. Justin and Joe used to live together and after reading an article in ESPN The Magazine that chronicled their lives, I was homo suspicious of them both. The article included this...

'He'd taken a room in Mauer's house in St. Paul at the outset of the season, and during the next homestand, the two of them drove there after games, flopped into the comfy chairs in Mauer's home theater and flipped between the Travel Channel and the Discovery Channel. "I really never left the house after that," Morneau says.'

My suspicions were recently nixed when I found out Justin was marrying this chick.

Justin won the MV freakin P award back in '06. Not sure he really deserved it, but at least the biggest Jag in the world didn't win, so that made it extra sweet. Hopefully the dude mashes some doubles and bizzombs this year.

So let's review. Marney Gellner is by far the hottest sideline reporter for the Twins. I'm not sure that qualifies her as hot, but roll with me here, ok? Justin Morneau dropped multiple bombs to make a great day in the life of MLBDaddy even better. I'll bet he doesn't have any Dixie Chicks CD's in his car.

Happy Voting!

WCT MATCHUP #2: JOE vs DAN

2008-03-18T22:29:00.008-05:00

MATCHUP #1 RESULTS: In what was not even a close contest in WCT Matchup #1, Bert Blyleven defeated Boof Bonser in a landslide. I believe the voting was 13 for Bert, 1 for Boof, and a split vote which was simply discarded.

Before continuing I must give a gleeful MLBDaddy shout out to B Donkey for correctly answering the Boof look-a-like contest. B Donkey is single, currently lives with his parents in Hermantown, MN and would be one heck of a catch for any lovely ladies out there looking for love. You can vote for B to be casted on The Real World by clicking here.

Moving right along...

JOE

DAN

Joe Mauer has arguably the sweetest swing in baseball. He has a good eye at the plate, and according to various female sources is also good for their eyes.

Mauer was a three sport star in high school at Cretin-Derham Hall where he broke all sorts of records in baseball, basketball and football. He was the National High School Quarterback of the Year in 2000 and turned down a full football scholarship to Florida State to enter
the MLB Draft. Decently sweet decision.

Joe is the only American League catcher to ever win a batting title. He was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. He had a cool Pepsi ad with Johnny Damon last year. He dated this chick. They broke up.

I think if Mauer played for any other team than the Twins I would consider him a fairy boy. Example: He modeled for Perry Ellis.

Mauer likes Jimmy Johns, a lot.

Dan Gladden used to have a mullet and his nickname is "The Dazzle Man". He never had one of the sweetest swings in baseball, but he definately endorses one of the sweetest beers in baseball, Glick Beer.

Dan hit a grand slam in game one of the '87 World Series, which the Twins went on to win. Seven years later he won another baseball championship, this time in Japan. He cut off his mullet, but chicks still like to hug up on him.

The dude is a color man on the Twins radio broadcasts. In the fourth inning he takes over the play-by-play mic and the only things the listeners will know for the next hour is when the next Harley rally is, how the Glick Beer tastes, and who hit the latest Cambria homerun.

I would classify his radio skills as somewhere between terrible and really terrible. He used to have a mullet and stache though.

So let's review. Joe is like the dream athlete of the world and especially dreamy to the ladies. I hope he bats two hole for the Twins this year. Dan is a World Series hero and gets insane amounts of style points because he used to sport a dashingly brilliant mullet.

Happy Voting!

WCT MATCHUP #1: BERT VS BOOF

2008-03-17T21:06:00.008-05:00

Sorry for the delay to the start of the What's Cooler Tournament. Let's get it underway now with the first matchup. Remember, you vote, I tally the votes, and the winner moves on to the next round. Feel free to find your own interesting facts if what I provide is not enough for you to make your difficult decision...

BERT

BOOF

Bert Blyleven was born in the Netherlands and his real name is Rik Aalbert Blyleven. He went with Bert because clearly the guy is not a Rik. He has a "Circle Machine."

He was a pretty good pitcher back in his playing days, just ask him and he will tell you. You can also tune in to Fox Sports North for a Twins broadcast where you'll find out that he can't go an entire ballgame without bringing up his own skills. He is considered to be one of the best pitchers eligilbe, yet not in, the Major Leauge Baseball hall of fame. He will tell you all about that too.

Bert doesn't seem to have any real knowledge about the game of baseball and at times can be quite annoying to listen to. Casual baseball fans love the guy. My favorite Twins blogger posted
this picture of him just last week. Cool shirt.

The guy is one of my World Series heros as he helped lead the Twins to a World Championship in '87. He dropped two F-bombs on the air back in 2006. My mommy wouldn't approve, but I thought it was pretty decent. He also likes to talk about his birthday and always knows, and talks about, how many days away his next birthday is. He likes beer and eats hot dogs on the air. I would have to classify him as a Yahoo.

Has anyone out there ever been circled by Bert?

Boof Bonser's first name is Boof... cool or not? I say not. Boof spelled backward is Foob, which I think is an appropriate nickname for a little kid who runs around with boogers and snot running out of his nose.

Boof reminds me of a complete zippy I played baseball with one summer not too long ago. If anyone out there can name that person, send a private email to MLBDaddy and you will get a shout out on my next post!

Boof will be the Twins number three or four starter in 2008 and the team is going to need alot out of the guy this year. Last year he had several starts where he looked dominate for 4-5 innings and then blew up and needed to be removed from the game. He has a deec curveball, but is pretty fat. Rumor has it he lost 30-40 pounds during the offseason. That would still place him below the yellow line, if he were on The Biggest Loser, so I am not all that impressed.

**Side Note: If you want to see fat guys cry, watch The Biggest Loser.
***Side Note 2: If you want to watch fat guys cry and get dressed up by a not straight guy from that lamo show MLBMommy really likes you should tune in to The Biggest Loser this week.

So lets review. Bert is a Rik who thinks highly of himself and circles people for a living. I imagine that he probably farts alot in the broadcast booth. Boof is a fat guy who gives up alot of runs and had an 8-12 record last year. I imagine he probably farts alot on the mound.

Happy voting!

Wednesday What's Cooler: Tourney Time

2008-03-12T22:05:00.008-05:00

Baseball season is right around the corner. In honor of my favorite team and favorite time of year I thought it appropriate to put together a little What's Cooler Tournament (WCT) featuring some interesting and important characters for the the 2008 Minnesota Twins season.

Over the next few weeks I will be breaking down each matchup that fills out the WCT. The winners of each matchup will be determined by the readers of this blog. Here is how it will work...

I will provide some background information and some scintillating facts about each person. Once my post is live, you may vote on that posts matchup, and only that posts matchup. Once 9 or more votes have been tallied, the tournament will move on. The winner of the tournament will be crowned the 2008 Minnesota Twins Whats Cooler Tournament Champion and will receive a blog post in their honor. They will also receive a personally written letter from MLBDaddy notifiying them of their victory.

And now, the unveiling of the Brackets! (Seeding in no particular order)

The first matchup will be Bert Blyleven vs Boof Bonser and it will be coming up shortly.

Also, I apologize for the way the tourney bracket looks. My blog will be moving to a new location as soon as I have time to do so because apparently Blogger is pretty limited and its really petting my peeve.

Buh-Bye!

The Abyss Is Over

2008-03-10T20:03:00.004-05:00

It has been 12 days since MLBDaddy last posted and multitudes of readers have inquired about the well being of this blog and its author. I'm happy to report that I am fine and that posts on this blog will now return to their regular schedule. Luckily, while I've been away soaking in the rays and 80+ degree weather on Florida's east coast I have also accumulated many unique and interesting topics to discuss within this space.

Let the discussion begin...

Southerners are generally not very nice. I was sworn at in a Wal-Mart for simply walking down the toothpaste aisle. I forgot all my toiletries at home. They were packed and ready to go, but I left them sitting on the bathroom counter. So I found a toothpaste aisle and I had to walk down it to pick out some toothpaste.

"You better back the @#$* up outta my space," a twenty something chick said as I passed her by.

I smiled and went about finding my Colgate.

After further examination of this situation one could conclude exactly what I stated above... that Southerners are generally not very nice. But after I left the store, something donned on me. Could I expect someone in the Duluth, MN Wal-Mart to raise their voice and use the exact same line on me? The answer is yes, yes I could. So clearly people who frequent Wal-Mart are not very nice, this had nothing to do with the South.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and so do people who shop there.

Florida's Turnpike is a scary place to drive. Not only are there wild hogs like this roaming the countryside, but I also saw at least 10 car accidents on a 200 mile stretch of road during the bus ride to my final destination. *Interesting side note: The Super Wal-Marts in Florida get a 40% price break on all bacon they buy that comes from road killed hogs.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and their bacon is sketchy.

This guy looked alot like the greeter at Wal-Mart. I nearly skat myself.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and it's not afraid to employ toothless men.

One of my biggest pet peeves in all of life is shopping. I hate most everything about it. Whenever I go shopping there is a purpose behind it. I don't just shop for something to do. I shop to make a specific purchase. My time at a shopping establishment is almost always planned out in advance so I can make as quick an entry and exit as possible. Wal-Mart only allows two or three cashiers to work during a given time. This leads to two problems in my shopping experience. 1). Long check-out lines. 2). Unnecessary small talk with other customers in long check out lines.

So there I am, standing in line to purchase my toothpaste and other items. To my left, the toothless man bellowing out greetings to all newcomers. To my right, aisle after aisle of empty checkout counters. To my rear, an Easter candy stand filled with Cadbury Eggs, the gooey kind. And to my front, a line of at least 20 customers. To my immediate front, a pregnant woman who appears to have last washed her hair during the Clinton administration. She was holding a two year old screamer while her four, five and six year olds played a game of tag in a 15 foot radius around our line. The conversation went a little something like this...

Five year old says to me: "My brother just farted, can you smell it?"

Me to five year old: "No, not yet."

Five year old to brother: "He can't smell it, try again."

Mother to farting son: "Carl, stop that or you ain't getting no fruit loops when we get home."

Mother to me: "His daddy is always teaching him this stuff."

Me to mother: "Your son has big shoes to fill some day."

There was other dialog too, but that was the highlight.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and watch out for lines with little farting brats.

That is about it for now. Please leave your own review of Wal-Mart or any sweet stories you may have that took place in Wal-Mart - whether in Florida or elsewhere.

Buh-Bye.
Oh I almost forgot, Mondays are supposed to be Odes.

An Ode to Wal-Mart

If you forget your supplies at home,
you know where you have to roam.
That door greeter may have no teeth,
But he can sell you road killed beef.

Just be sure that your aware,
the toothpaste aisle may cause a scare.
Even if you want just a few things,
Take off your expensive rings.

You might get mugged, battered and beaten,
but the pot will soon start to sweeten.
No shoes? No Shirt? You'll fit right in.
The place smells like a garbage bin.

Walk up and down and to and fro,
this is a place you surely shouldn't go.
There's plenty of little brats that like to fart,
Just another day at your friendly Wal-Mart.

Wednesday What's Cooler: Rocky Taconite or the Two Harbors Rooster?

2008-02-27T18:36:00.006-06:00

ROCKY VS ROOSTER

In Silver Bay, Minnesota sits a statue that "honors the genius of those who figured out how to change a useless rock into a valuable product." His name is Rocky Taconite. He is this cheery little dude who holds a pick and wear's a miners hat and greets all passersby that enter Silver Bay via County Rd. 5 or Outer Drive or whatever you want to call it. Built in 1964, Rocky is a symbol of the transition from taconite to steel. To me, he is a reminder that MLBDoggy is about to vomit in the back seat of the family car. She usually gets car sick every time we go to Silver Bay, and in front of Rocky is her favorite puking spot.

I think that MLBMommy might have a secret crush on Rocky. Her personal image on her google mail account is of Rocky's smiling face. Odd? Yeah.

In Two Harbors, Minnesota, in front of a gift shop, sits a eight foot tall rooster. Yep, it really does. The rooster is made of fiberglass and was erected in the 1960's when the gift shop owner had a choice between similar statues of a dinosaur, a bear, or a horse. Now why did he choose a rooster? MLBDaddy thinks its because he wanted everyone to marvel at the size of his... chicken. Anyways, the rooster is pretty sweet. Two of the town's most major news stories over the past 20 years have centered around the thievery of the rooster. In 1997, the rooster was stolen by a rival graduating class and the newspaper ran with the headline "12 Foot Cock Stolen." In 2003, the rooster was again stolen and driven 20 minutes south to Duluth where it was thrown off an overpass of I-35 and crashed to its demise. The rooster had to be replaced as a result of this tragic act.

So what's cooler, Rocky Taconite or the Two Harbors Rooster? I know I might take some flack from the family on this one, but I have to go with the Two Harbors Rooster. I'm all for things that have no rhyme or reason for existing yet are still well known by people all over the world. The rooster is basically the only thing that the city of Two Harbors has going for it, and without it I can't think of another quality reason to live there.

An Ode to Spring Training

2008-02-25T21:18:00.002-06:00

Baseball season is finally here,
it's MLBDaddy's time to cheer.
Lets review and look ahead,
the creator of 'Smell Em' they call Red.

All the teams have opened up camp,
A boggy marsh is pretty damp.
Pitchers and catchers are getting in work,
Barry Bonds is still a jerk.

Lets take a look back at the off season,
there's been lots of changes for many reasons.
Torii gone, Santana too, BOO HOO(F)
Many pounds have been lost by Boof.

There was once a man who lived near Nantucket,
He took a big needle, in his butt he stuck it.
The steroids made him big and strong,
Now he's just another ding dong.

How embarrassing that must be for him,
Chances he will make the hall are slim.
I realize he didn't want to give up home runs,
but why put steroids in your buns?

Anyways, I'm sick of all that crap,
maple trees have sticky sap.
It's time to move on, am I not right?
Who the heck is pitching on opening night?

I'd have to say I'm pretty darn nervy,
Marisa Miller is nice and curvy.
The Twins pitching is young and unproven,
I use U-Haul for all my movin.

Who's playing center, second, and third?
Nick Punto is a frickin turd.
I'd like to see Mauer have a good year,
I'd also like a life time supply of beer.

Is anyone sold on Delmon Young,
or is he a pile of monkey dung?
I think that he'll be a crap addition,
lots of problems is my premonition.

The critics think the Twins will stink,
My cousin Robby dresses in pink.
I hope they are at least a decent squad,
For that I will stand and applaud.

It doesnt matter if they are good or not,
MLB's nose will be full of snot.
Together we will watch many a game,
I'll snuggle him and teach him all the players names.

I can't wait for the first pitch,
its like a scratch that needs an itch.
Yay yay yay, who needs another reason?
It's almost time for baseball season!!

Wednesday What's Cooler: Being Dennis Anderson or Being Sven Sundgaard?

2008-02-20T19:33:00.003-06:00

Denny vs. Sven

Dennis Anderson is a legend. He ends his WDIO TV broadcasts each and every night by saying "Good night and be kind."

Check out this list of cool squat he does, none of which is made up, I swear... he has been a licensed pilot for 29 years, he is a taxidermist and has been since 1959, he fishes, hunts, snowmobiles, and builds model railroads. Is that all you ask? No, not even close. The man is also an ordained minister, a father of four, a grandfather of ten, and wears a toupe. My wife once saw him mowing his lawn while wearing a speedo. I am crap kicking you not.

Not only does he anchor the Duluth news, but he has also been the host of the annual SMDC New Years Eve party held at the DECC each year. He gave it up when he realized he was way too cool for the party. Hard to believe anyone could be cooler than a night highlighted by the music of Sh-boom isn't it?

Sven Sundgaard is a spikey-haired, metrosexual who is inspired by Galileo and his favorite sport is ski jumping. UMMM.

Anyways, he used to be a weatherman in Duluth before he became TC and left for a job at Kare 11 in the Twin Cities. From what I remember, he is a cheery, upbeat chap who has a serious passion for the weather. He is a sell out just like his buddy Edward Moody who also left Duluth for "greener pastures".

Sven has his own blog where he discusses important world issues such as horses, rainbows, and running in spandex. I hear he as become quite popular in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area and some think he has even reached cult status.

So what's cooler, being Dennis Anderson or Being Sven Sundgaard?

Although MLBDaddy may have a slight bias towards a man that has served his community for almost 40 years, he is still thinks Dennis is much cooler than Sven. Bias or not, it's hard to argue with a man who's mustache is thick enough to hide and keep fresh cookie crumbs he ate the night the Edmund Fitzgerald sank on Lake Superior.

Definitions

2008-02-19T20:05:00.003-06:00

A few posts back MLBDaddy defined Jags, Zippys and Yahoos and allowed readers to comment on a word or phrase they would like to learn MLBDaddy's definition of. Those definitions are as follows, along with a sentence that uses the word combined with the commenter who submitted the request...

eejit - if hooked up to a brain monitor, an eejit would register as a legally brain dead person.

MLBDaddy uses "eejit" in a sentence: My sister Anne is a complete eejit who likes to shop for sweaters at Tuuurget.

stereotype - To make judgement (usually negative) about a person, place or thing before gathering the appropriate amount of information required to make a judgement. To make a hasty generalization based on little evidence or hearsay

MLBDaddy uses "stereotype" in a sentence: Not to stereotype, but government workers, even retired ones like Squirmysgp, are clock-watching, initiative-blocking bureaucrats, ignorant about the financial constraints of the real world.

shorty - A male term used to define a female he finds attractive, particularly fine, or hot. Shorty's usually get "holla'd at" because they are irresistible to the male eye.

MLBDaddy uses "shorty" in a sentence: If he wasn't a dude and if he didn't wear a fanny pack while sporting a man bag, Tony Gjerdahl could probably be Jay-Z's shorty.

douchebag - A completely inappropriate word that should never be used at work, on a blog, or anywhere else. Basically it's another way of calling some one a turd sandwich, only it adds a little extra zing.

MLBDaddy uses "douchebag" in a sentence: When MLBDaddy writes bad code or asks annoying questions, his coworker Beanski, will either ignore him or call him a douchebag and carry on with her day.

meatball - A person lacking common sense who thinks they are always right about everything. This can also refer to a person who is overweight and almost perfectly round in shape.

MLBDaddy uses "meatball" in a sentence: If Joepa eats enough donuts, he will more than likely fit into both meanings of the word meatball.

numnut - A male who once got struck in the privates and has let the experience negatively affect the rest of his life.

MLBDaddy uses "numnut" in a sentence: When Joepa was five years old he survived a horrific bike accident in which he landed awkwardly on the handlebars and has ever since been sort of a numnut.

mack daddy - A male who has more game than can be contained in a large bottle or jar

MLBDaddy uses "mackdaddy" in a sentence: Landing a fly shorty like Jenny Cook must have taken some serious mackdaddy skills.

So there's MLBDaddy's definitions. Add your own definitions or sentences in the comments section or throw another word my direction and I can do another one of these posts down the road. Buh-Bye!

An Ode To Fischer Price Musical Toys

2008-02-18T15:30:00.003-06:00

MLBDaddy hears them every day,
during little MLB's time of play.
He pushes the buttons and sits back to enjoy,
the sounds that reverberate from his toys.

Some are soft, gentle, and fun,
while others annoy everyone.
Some make him laugh while others make him learn,
its double plays he wants to turn.

It might be counting or a nursery rhyme,
we hear them all if we wait some time.
They keep his attention for at least a bit,
but not as well as his bat and mitt.

I think that the toys are good and fine,
but hearing them daily sends shivers down my spine.
I am not one to dis,
But one of the tunes goes something like this...

'Shapes are in my cookie jar,
Triangle, heart and star,
There's a circle over there,
Here's a square.'

Not that that is all that bad,
its not like it makes me mad.
As long as MLB is smiley and bright
He can play with his toys all day and night.

I bet you didn't know...

2008-02-16T08:12:00.003-06:00

Some dude named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

Lets analyze, shall we?

Apparently this guy started hiccuping back in the 20's and didn't stop until 1990. Even weirder, the hiccups started while the guy was slaughtering a hog. Does slaughtering a hog have some sort of magical way of enducing hiccups? I'm not shocked that he is from Iowa either. Weird things happen in Iowa. Also, having the hiccups for 69 years is probably one of the only ways to make living in Iowa interesting.

When he first started hiccuping they say he hiccuped 40 times per minute. They estimated that he hiccuped 430 million times during his life. How could the guy ever get anything done? How did he not jump off the nearest bridge? How is he not know as a great American hero? I'm pretty sure I have a lot of respect for the guy.

Do you think people that met him would sneak up on him and before he realized they were there yell things at him to try to scare the hiccups out of him? How many times do you think he tried holding his breath to get rid of them? Do you know anything else that he could have tried? Also, how is there not a medical procedure that could have cured this condition?

Charles was also married twice. There is no word on if the hiccuping forced the end of his marriages or not. I can't imagine 30-40 hiccups per minute throwing a wrench in my relationship with MLBMommy, she can put up with anything.

So what have we learned here? 1). The hiccups suck. 2). Don't slaughter pigs. 3). Don't live in Iowa. 4). My wife rules!

Let's Sign Livan?

2008-02-14T21:27:00.002-06:00

Livan Hernandez is fat, old, and can't get guys out.

I'm begining to question if Bill Smith can do this job. An MLBDaddy inside source informed me after hearing Smith speak at a recent coaches clinic that I should be very concerned with the Jag who is running my favorite team.

Do you think Smith watched any Twins games last year? Is it possible he didn't know that Sidney Ponson and Ramon Ortiz were on the team? Did he not watch them give up more runs and look more pathetic than Ferd Fredrickson did in his last outing in the Arrowhead league?

I'm not sure how many washed up old guys that can't get outs it takes to prove that washed up old guys can't get outs, but it appears the Twins are trying to find out. This free agent signing is so meaningless and wrong that I even preempted talking about it to discuss Man Bags and Fanny packs. That's sad.

After having a few days to think about it and a chance to read what the experts have to say, I hate this signing. I think it is pretty obvious that the Twins are going to struggle to compete this year given the youth and inexperience of their starting rotation. That is a statement that I don't want to have to repeat again at the start of next season. The only way that I won't repeat it is if the team decides to give innings to their young guys who need to learn how to get outs, instead of to old guys who can't get outs.

Hernandez is a good signing for a team that needs a 4th or 5th starter to solidify a playoff caliber rotation. The Twins are far from that. I wish they would trust the talent they have and let it develop.

Also, I wish I could get $5 million to throw 85 mph, be fat, old, and not get guys out.

Wednesday What's Cooler - Man Bags or Fanny Packs?

2008-02-13T19:50:00.003-06:00

If you're a guy and you want to be a giant turd sandwich, go buy yourself a man bag and carry it all around with you. The 'man bag' or 'man purse' could also be known as a 'messenger bag' or 'reporter bag'. Whatever you want to call it, it will surely make your life (and everyone's life who sees you with it) rather depressing. Men that carry man bags are basically screaming to the world, 'I want to be a woman'. Some man bags are sleek and lightweight and can be very useful for carrying day to day work materials and other essentials. Some vests are sleek and lightweight as well, and like man bags, they still suck.

Fanny packs were made popular in the early '90s as a means for travelers to carry their belongings while exploring places like The Walleye Capital of the World or Tommy Turtle. I'm pretty sure the same guy that invented Fanny packs also created this website. Many fanny pack wearers also consider fluorescent orange and neon green as an integral part of their daily fashion.e One cool thing about fanny packs is that you can wear them in the front, on the sides, or in the back and can change what you call them depending on where you have located it. If it's on the front, call it a belt pack, on the side?, hip pack, on the back?, bum bag. Pretty sweet eh? Be careful if you are traveling in Europe though, "fanny" is used as a colloquialism for vagina in those territories. No one wants to be known as a fanny.

So what's cooler, the man bag or the fanny pack?
I gotta go with the fanny pack on this one. At least if you strap on a fanny pack you can wear a longer untucked shirt that can cover it up.

Jags, Zippys, & Yahoos

2008-02-11T21:50:00.000-06:00

MLBDaddy has decided it's time to define 3 words that may be used often on this blog, they are... 1) Jags, 2) Zippys, and 3) Yahoos. Depending on where you look or who you ask, you could probably come up with several definitons for the aforementioned categories. MLBDaddy's definitions are as follows...

A Jag is someone who thinks of themself as special, generally is arrogant and selfish, and possibly went to a school like Duluth East where cake-like behavior is generally acceptable. Typically these people are very irritating to others in social situations. Depending on their degree of 'jagedness' they are either completely aware or completely unware that their behavior rubs others the wrong way. Most Jags actually have a decent chance of being likeable, although few ever let go of the "game winner" they scored back in '97 or how they "drank courvoisier" at Gma's, with Snoop Dogg, after his concert at the DECC. Jags surround themselves with people who think they are cool, like other Jags.

MLBDaddy's examples of Famous Jags: This guy, This guy, and thanks to Michael Rand (Not a Jag) for this lovely photo of them together.

Zippys more often than not have one or less friends. The definition of a Zippy is someone that tries to be cool at all hours of the day and puts maximum effort into this quest, but knows deep down that it's just not going to happen. They would never openly admit that it won't happen, and they will continually try to make it happen, but I, you, and they know it won't. Zippys are always the first to offer advice because obviously, they know everything. They know where to get the best lobster linguini in town. If you need to perform open heart surgery on a loved one in the middle of nowhere and all you have is a phone, call a Zippy, cause they can walk ya through it step by step. If you ever need someone to help clean out the outhouse, just tell a Zippy when to show up. A Zippy will do anything for someone they want to be friends with. Anything.

MLBDaddy's examples of Famous Zippys: This Guy, This Guy,and This Chick.

Yahoos just dont get it. They are generally clueless morons who are incapable of meeting even the most basic of human challenges. If their loved ones complain about their snoring, they will sleep in their car, in a random parking lot, with the engine running all night. (Gotta stay warm.) Yahoos have a sort of backwards mentality on their approach to life. For example, let's say a Yahoo is down to $50 left in his or her weekly budget. Faced with the choice of buying a pile of booze, cigarettes and washable tatoos OR buying baby food and diapers for their child, a Yahoo would choose the PBR, smokes, and body art and never really think twice about it.

MLBDaddy's examples of Famous Yahoos: This Guy, This Chick, and This Guy.

So there you have it. I'm thinking about nominating a Jag, Zippy, or Yahoo (JZY) Of the Month as a regular post on this blog. Is this a good idea? There are plenty of people out there I could classify as a Jag, Zippy, or Yahoo. The problem is that I don't want to bring any of my readers into a world of negativity. So lets put this to a vote. Should I post a JZY of the Month each and every month in 2008? If you like the idea, you may feel free to nominate a JYZ of the month as well.

Also, if you would like to leave a word in the comments and have MLBDaddy give his definition of the word, MLBDaddy will formulate a post based on these words.

Example word: Toolshed MLBDaddy's Definition of Toolshed: A toolshed is a male who thinks he is the bomb, tells people he is the bomb, but in reality is the complete opposite of the bomb. A toolshed can also be defined as a place where tools go to hang out together.

Coming up tomorrow... A Wednesday What's Cooler! Buh Bye.

An Ode To My Valentine

2008-02-11T19:21:00.000-06:00

If you're not in the mood for some mushy love crap or are a Valentines scrooge in general, I suggest you do not read below this line.

How I've wondered what to say,

On this very special day.
It only comes around once a year,
and now Valentines day is almost here.

My heart is all a flitter flutter,
you make it melt like popcorn butter.
Your smile is so bright and warm,
For you I'd put a tattoo on my arm.

Our love grows stronger every week
Without you my future would be bleak.
You are a beauty thats for sure,
and your heart is very pure.

I'm not good at buying presents,
some corn fields are full of pheasants.
I could get you some flowers or jewels,
but the New York Yankees would still be tools.

We have a Squirmy and he is great,
that's a fact we can't debate.
He's for sure our little light,
and makes our days fun and bright.

You make my life oh so good,
I knew when we married that you would.
I really want you to know,
Just how much I love you so.

I appreciate everything that you do,
especially when you clean the Squirmy poo.
But seriously girl, I love you much,
It's my heart you always touch.

I think that it would be FINE,
If you'd be my Valentine.

Happy Birthday to My Sister!

2008-02-10T14:56:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday from MLBDaddy, MLBMommy, AND MLB!

I bet you didn't know...

2008-02-08T19:46:00.000-06:00

SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

Lets analyze, shall we?

First of all, I am not a SCUBA diver and have never been SCUBA diving before. Does this mean that I would be able to pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below? Doubtful.

I'm not sure SCUBA diving is something I would enjoy. I would try it if the opportunity ever presented itself, but its not something I really want to pay much money to do.

Passing gas is not something I really enjoy either, although I have done it before. I would go so far as to say I've done it several times. I have probably done it in a pool or a lake at depths of up to 5 or 6 feet. I don't recall that being much of a problem at all.

I'm guessing that at around 33 feet the pressure of the water is so great that nothing would be able to escape the body. Do you think it would be possible for someone to train their body to overcome this pressure? Can you picture some guy, like that freaky dude Criss Angel, training to fart at depths of 33+ feet? I can, the guy is a complete nutso. I would love to know what the training regimen involves.

Do you think you could get your name in the Guiness Book of World Records for that? I would guess that you could.

May I suggest that the next time you go SCUBA diving, make sure to let it all out at 32.9 feet or be prepared to hold it.

This Seals The Deal

2008-02-07T20:28:00.001-06:00

In case you're still trying to make a decision on this weeks Wednesday What's Cooler, here's a pic that should make it pretty easy for you...

PAT SAJAK THROWS LIKE A GIRL

The reason that girls throw like girls is because they don't turn the ball back away from their target when they bring it back to throw. If you want an example of what I'm talking about, look above at the picture of Pat-Freaking-Sajak throwing like the biggest Sally in the world.

That's about it for today. Check in tomorrow evening for my first installment of I Bet You Didnt Know.

Wednesday What's Cooler: Being Alex Trebek OR Being Pat Sajak?

2008-02-06T18:38:00.000-06:00

ALEX

PAT

I've spent a few hours of my life watching Jeopardy and a few hours watching Wheel of Fortune. Both are decent shows which can hold my attention and both have fascinating hosts which can hold the attention of just about anyone.

Alex Trekek has been the host of Jeopardy since 1984. He can speak German, Italian, Spanish, Russian, and is fluent in English and French. He used to have a mustache. I'm fairly certain the man has never been wrong about anything in his life. He once said... "It's very important in life to know when to shut up. You should not be afraid of silence." Right on Alex, you are one wise Canadian born American.

Pat Sajak has been the host of the night time version of Wheel of Fortune since 1983. He has never scored with Vanna White. Before writing this little entry I pretty much thought of him as a flamer. But then I found out he likes baseball. He even wrote on his own website a thank you to the sport. What I am saying here is that this guy rules. And if you have the cash, this dude can get you any vowel you want. Not many people can say that.

This is a hard one for me. Both Alex and Pat have some pretty sweet jobs, are smooth talkers, and I'm sure would represent themselves well on Dancing with the Stars. The baseball fan factor gives Pat some major bonus points in my book. But there is something about Alex that makes me think he has a little bit of the Chuck Norris "I'm going to kick all sorts of ass and take names" in him. For that reason, I have to go with him.

MLBDaddy's Final Analysis: Being Alex Trebek is cooler than Being Pat Sajak.

One final did you know... Alex Trebek's one and only appearance hosting Wheel of Fortune (in 1987) was part of an April Fools Day switcheroo with Pat Sajak.

Alex spinning Pat's wheel! This boggles my mind.

MLBDaddy Tortures the ones he loves the most.

2008-02-05T19:56:00.000-06:00

Think of this as a sort of introduction to some people who are very important in my life. Not that I would ever want to, but here is what I would do to torture the ones I love the most...

Wife
MLBDaddy Tortures His Wife By: Standing next to her while she is on the computer and incessantly cracking his ankles.

Squirmy
MLBDaddy Tortures Squirmy By: Holding his bottle just out of his reach then flying it towards his little mouth while making an airplane sound only to have the bottle plane fly right by and continue its circling pattern.

Bizzle Baby
MLBDaddy Tortures Bizzle Baby By: Playing with Squirmy and ignoring her. (Bizzle Baby is the jealous type.)

Dad
MLBDaddy Tortures His Father By: Locking him in an empty room with nothing but a TV running a continuous loop of the New York Yankees greatest World Series moments.

Mom
MLBDaddy Tortures His Mother By: Calling her K Doggs.

Sister
MLBDaddy Tortures His Sister By: Playing "I Come From a Land Down Under" every time she exits the bathroom.

Bro-In-Law
MLBDaddy Tortures His Brother-In-Law By: Making him travel with Christina, a 45 year old mother of two, who is taking her first airplane trip. "Oh my god, I have to go through security?" "Uh, where is Gate F." "I can't find my seat and I don't know where to put my carry on luggage."

Nephew
MLBDaddy Tortures His Nephew By: Buying him the EXACT SAME PRESENTS as Squirmy his entire life.

Sis-In-Law
MLBDaddy Tortures His Sister-in-law By: Making her sit in a car on a sunny day, with the sun on her side, on a hundred mile drive through a forest of perfectly spaced planted trees which cause the sun to flicker on and off her face over and over again. (For some reason this bothers her).

Mom-In-Law
MLBDaddy Tortures His Mother-in-law By: Paying tourists to stop in at her gift store to ask really stupid questions like "Do you live up here year round?" or "Have you seen any moose around here today?"

Dad-In-Law
MLBDaddy Tortures His Father-in-law By: Buying a brand of snowmobile that is not Ski-doo.

MLBDaddy Tortures His Friends By: Blogging.

Now, how would you all torture me?

An Ode To Johan Santana

2008-02-04T21:45:00.001-06:00

There was once a cool dude named Johan Santana.
Now he is lame like Hanna Montana.

Oh Johan we surely will miss you
and my sister would probably kiss you.

You have dazzled our eyes and made us fans.
To watch you, I would always change my plans.

I remember when you were a reliever,
and made yourself a master deceiver.

You earned your way into the starting rotation,
and we cheered you with many an ovation.

Now your an established player,
and probably would win if you ran for mayor.

You baffled hitters with all of your pitches,
And have gone from rags to riches.

You have made so many players wiff,
they leave the plate without a sniff.

I thought you would take us all the way,
but now you have left and I have nothing to say.

You're gone for the 'Big Stage' of New York,
the latest twenty-two million a year dork.

I used to think that you were the best,
but now your just another buster wearing a vest.

Oh how I wish you'd have stayed here to win,
you were one hell of a Minnesota Twin.

A Fan of the Game, And My Little Slugger

2008-02-03T14:43:00.000-06:00

Max is my favorite thing in this world.

This blog got its name from my kid. My kid got his name mostly from his mommy (who I better say is also my favorite thing or I might get into some trouble). We both liked the name Max. Looking back on it, I think the name was just sort of thrown out there one day and it kinda stuck. I recall walking around the house using all sorts of names as we had fake dialogue amongst ourselves...

"Jacob, its time for dinner."
"Ty, don't put that in your mouth"
"Quentin, if you are going to pull the dogs hair, you'll find yourself in timeout."

Like I said, Max just sorta stuck.

His full name is Maxwell Lucas Berrisford, which makes his initials MLB, which just happens to also be an acronym for another one of my favorite things in the world. Major League Baseball. Coincidence? Sorta, not really, I don't know. It's not like we woke up one morning and said, "lets give our kid the initials MLB because that would be SUPER SWEET!" Naw, that's not how it went down at all. The initials pretty much just fell into place on their own, and just happened to be SUPER SWEET on their own.

I love baseball and I'm a fan of Major League Baseball. Ask the wife, she'll tell you it's one of the few things in this world I'm passionate about. The Twins are my squad. You'll probably find some commentary here about the team from time to time. Who's excited?

Anyways, Maxwell Lucas Berrisford and Major League Baseball are two of my favorite things. I'm a daddy. Hence the blog name MLBDaddy.

Before I go I wanted to give you a preview of how I hope things consistently shake out on MLBDaddy. Here is a tentative plan that is open to suggestion for improvement...

Mondays - Odes (I will write odes about various persons, places and things)
Wednesdays - What's Cooler? (I will pick two persons, places or things and discuss which I think is cooler)
Fridays - I Bet You Didn't Know (I will attempt to inform the masses about facts that few know)

The rest of my posts will like be random and varying and most likely more pointless babble. Buh-Bye!

What's cooler: wearing vests or blogging?

2008-02-01T18:45:00.000-06:00

I hate vests. They are lame and suck. Delusionary people wear vests because they think a garment with no sleeves will make them look cool. I've heard people say, "I wear vests because they heat my core but allow my arms to breathe." I won't comment on that statement, but you can picture me rolling my eyes. Vests are not cool.

Blogging isn't that cool either. Mostly its pointless babble. At least the blogs that I read are. Yet, I still find myself reading some of them and at times looking forward to new posts. Not like, oh my god the opening day of baseball season is tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. More like, oh, so and so has a new blog post and I would rather spend 5 minutes reading it than working on code to parse through a chemical formula and calculate a molecular weight. I make fun of blogging most of the time, and I don't really think it's all that cool.

So why am I starting a blog? Intrigue and challenge. I'm not intriguing. I would guess that no one in the world would describe me as so. Don't expect my posts to be intriguing either. But the challenge of having a blog intrigues me. Will I be able to do it? Will I keep it filled with new posts? Will the fact that I now have a blog cause some to point their finger at me and proclaim that I am a hypocrite?

I also enjoy writing. I hardly ever write, but I do enjoy it. I don't think I'm good at writing, but I do enjoy it. I don't think my sentences are always grammatically correct, especially, when, it, comes, to, comma, placement, but I do enjoy it. I don't think I have anything interesting to write about, but I do enjoy it. So why not start my very own blog for my very own enjoyment?

I'm not really sure what you will find here. Like the arms of a vest wearing man, my ideas need time to breathe. Hopefully my motivation will remain and this blog will evolve. In the words of one of my all-time favorite gangsta rappers Coolio, I would like to invite you all to "come along and ride on a fantasic voyage" with me.

So which is cooler, wearing vests or blogging? I'm pretty sure that neither are all that cool, but here I am blogging. I guess that makes me not all that cool (news to no one). At least I can still say I have never worn a vest!